Fast forward and I am now into week 24 of pregnancy. A lot has happened since then but definitely I found new life in second trimester. Morning sickness stopped and I was able to eat and drink more than before though still considered as small quantity by most. Better than nothing. 

The race is on. Friends offering advices, donating their baby items and my tummy is finally showing. Called a babysitter today and found that it isn't easy and cheap to raise a kid especially for first 2 years. Started surveying among friends and seemed that you need a minimum of RM2-3k per month for newborn if you hire nanny (day care), use infant formula, diapers, subscribe to insurance, plus some vaccination cost. 

I was really caught off guard and was totally unprepared for this. The reality really struck me hard. Been too complacent and relaxed I guess. No wonder not many want to have many kids at this age. Especially for us who wouldn't want to burden our own family or mom.

We hired confinement centre and nanny because I wouldn't want my mom's time to be tied up. Yet Yin told me don't settle everything on my own and spend more time with mom as she is feeling lonely. Made me realize that my independence may lead mom to feel left out though it could be a common thing for parents in retirement age. 

Never a person who is very warm and open. Hence the idea of close family tie was not that common for me. Never the type of person to call back home often etc. Perhaps being a mom may change me. Let's see. 

Expecting

Fast forward and it has been 3 years since my last post. Sharing the good news. I am currently a blessed expecting mother of approximately 11wk into pregnancy. It was so amazing looking at the ultrasound scan when Dr. Soon Su Seong from Adventist Hospital showed that the baby is moving and there are blood flow and heartbeat. 

Needless to say, I was hit by a bout of morning sickness symptoms and after some research, I found out that drinking too much fluid on empty stomach will increase the chances of vomiting in the morning. This causes me to limit my water intake severely because vomiting is no fun I tell you. Then came constipation (although taking probiotics, still... water is needed for regular bowel movement) due to limited water and vegetable intake. 

All my diets were turned upside down as a result. Total 360-degree change of what I usually practiced. Nevertheless, I still felt blessed. Just a few days ago, I had cystitis (bladder infection) due to lack of water and hence bacteria accumulated in urinary tract and there was bleeding when I urinate. Never had UTI before, I was worried that it was a sign of miscarriage as I had iced milk tea and hot green tea on that day, of which a pregnant woman shouldn't be taking due to its cold nature. Too cooling for uterus and baby, it was believed. Now, I am very obedient in avoiding certain foods but still couldn't whack as much fiber as I did in the past. 

Can't wait to get past Week 14 where the morning sickness was expected to subside and second trimester tends to be more accommodating to mother. Been lucky to have a very supportive Yuki and Bee Hoon to provide advices on pregnancy, preparations needed etc. Got to start buying pre-natal insurance for my baby soon.

A close-up explanation on the ultrasound. Without doctor's explanation I wouldn't be able to digest this image. I did sleep more than ever during this first trimester. A blessing in disguise, I call it :)

1. Head

2. Feet

3. Hand

4. Should be placenta

Power of kinship

I was amazed by how much they love grandma. How caring they are towards grandma. I don't think that can be faked. Shows me the value of kinship and family bonding. How having big family and many grandchildren comes in handy. Despite that, there are also stories underlying behind it.

每间家都有本难念的经... although I have understood this way back, this phrase hammers in more at this time. No matter how good things might look from outside, there are many conflicts and discussions going on at the back, especially to make things happen.

I believe in karma. I know how hurtful it can be when you help someone with all your heart and the outcome was totally unexpected hence I never expect people to forgive and forget. It is their choice if they choose not to. Timing is not right yet, maybe.

I was happy and hurtful at the same time today. I approached him at the wrong time. I can understand his stress due to family and work matters hence it is understandable if he behaved that way. Still I felt very sad and hurtful. Firstly, I am not used to being treated that way by him and chose not to as well. Secondly, I am human.

I learnt that that's how the kids and mom feel whenever I unintentionally told them not to bother me. Strong reminder not to do that. Kinship is important, it can bring joy when handled properly and vice versa when not. Air dicincang takkan putus...meaning... no matter how bad situations can be, kinship is still kinship.

Although my family is not that closely knit, I believe nothing can test the power of our kinship. We have gratitude. We have our own opinions and live our lives very differently, yet we know that we will support each other whenever possible if needed. That's the value of kinship. Those with good kinship are always successful in life.

I have also learnt that communication is very imperative. Listening skill and discussion comes hand in hand. Trying to find solution by own self without sharing the thoughts with others brings much confusion to others. It does not only fall into the responsibility of the conveyor. The receiver should also take the initiative to clarify the matter with conveyor if things are not clear, to avoid confusion.

I have learnt new stuff today. People may think what they want, but we also owe to ourselves to listen to other's opinion before making final decision. Fingers crossed, I won't forget this.

Job

MY and OWI complained about work. QA line is never easy. Coordinating job is never easy. Cross checking job is never easy. Policing is never easy. That's why we love and hate policemen so much. We know that they are doing their job but when we got caught for some minor traffic offence, for example, we cursed them. I guess it is the same thing with QA.

 

We know QA is only doing its job, but when we got "interrogated" or "harrassed" incessantly due to internal or external pressure, we hate that feeling of being put under surveillance, of being monitored and checked against every now and then. But that's exactly what a QA should be. Well, there is no right or wrong, I must say. Only what suits the culture the best can be said as right. Needs team work for this.

 

One needs to think from the other party's perspective. One need to talk to the other party to manage expectations and align on the next step. One need to come to an agreement with the other party on what could be the possible solution. One need to be lucky enough to work with one who could understand all these. We are, after all just human being, with emotions, with limitations, and with the need to be motivated.

 

This is one reason why I was contemplating whether or not to go back to manufacturing world. I am from QA background. Human management is my most feared subject. I don't want to turn into Godzilla again. I used to, in my first job. In current company, feedbacks from just one stake holder is sufficient to freeze me in my breath, let alone working with many departments in manufacturing world. To be fair, the type of people will be different. Professional (and hence, more hurtful) vs emotional (blood boiling).

 

When you work with professionals, the words can slice your heart into thousands of pieces. You felt as if you won't be able to piece them together anymore. The impact lasted quite long. When you work with manufacturing colleagues, you felt like 10 volcanoes could erupt in a day and yet the impact is more short-lived. At least I believed so. Depends  on personality also, I believe.

 

One need to learn to let go. Not to dwell in the past. To take the good learnings from whatever words uttered out, either sincerely or with a pinch of salt. Forgive yet not forget. Learn from experience what is the expectation and what is the limitation. What can and what can't be done. Be assertive. Say yes when you are sure and no when you are sure. Anything in between puts you as a weak person. My recent learning.

You can't fight every battle so choose your battle wisely. Timing is an essence. No point getting frustrated over things beyond your control. Just tuck it behind your mind and bring it out when the time is right. And the rest will be history. No need for perfection. Important is you learn from each incident. This is what I dub as continuous improvement. 

 

Really worry about job hunting. Not having the  confidence to re-step into manufacturing. Yet that seemed to be the only option I have for now. Why not stop limiting myself and try out whatever is out there? Again? I just want to settle down. That's my thought for now. Manufacturing line with 9-5 job is not a bad idea. But I am unsure of how well can I handle harsh exchange of words without affecting myself too much, without bothering about what others might say too much.

 

Don't think. Just do. You will know what to  do when the time comes. Worrying too much zap away  your energy. Jia you!

It Hurts

It hurts. A lot. Annoying and disappointing. With myself and him. Couldn't bring this up. So much so that I can't sleep despite tossing around on the bed for few hours. Gave up. Just woke up and browsed some articles and blogging now.

 

I wish one can be more matured and rational. I wish one can be more accountable and assertive. Never agree or sign up to something which you have no intention to commit to. Never complain when the due is near to show your dissatisfaction. Never say yes just to satisfy someone else. I guess that's how my Sales  was feeling towards me during my initial year as well. Now I understand.

 

I wish I can be less demanding, more accomodating, more considerate, more patient and persuasive and convincing. I couldn't care less now. I will remind myself not to bother too much. Bad habits die hard. I don't know when will I poke my busybody nose over and impose another rule or suggestion, only to disappoint myself again.

 

One could be self-centered and selfish yet the other one could be too demanding and irrationally inconsiderate. There are always two sides for a coin. Yin and yang. One can't be a hero without a villain. One can't be black without white. One can't be pretty without ugly. Get what I mean? Affected me a lot.

 

Damn!  Is this called insomnia? Now I understood how JY feels. I was having this in Vietnam last week but at least I managed to sleep the moment I am on the bed, just waking up very early. Most likely due to me sleeping without turning off the light rather than insomnia. Gave up tossing on the bed already. Will sleep when eyes are tired I guess. Luckily not working today.

How is Marriage Life?

Since I am in the mood of posting in blog, let me add one more post here.

6 months into marriage, we are still into long-distance marriage (Penang and KL is not that far, but the physical distance does make some difference). Every time someone asked...

A: So how is married life?

Me: Not much difference since we are not staying together and there is no child in the picture yet.

Actually there is a difference. More and more arguments and bad habits fly out. Differences in opinions and house arrangements etc... There was a time when I was thinking... 'Is this a wrong decision?" I guess this is just another part of me who likes to give up so fast. Sort of running away from predicament rather than bravely facing it. 

Both of us tried to avoid confrontation, is not making things any better. I feel the lack of heart-to-heart talk. I wanted to say something but decided against it so that we don't have ill feeling or argument since our time together is not long each time. Only during the short weekends. Somehow, I reminded myself not to appear too negative and try to be supportive. It takes time to practise, you know.

I am wondering, why do I bother to take so much trouble to accommodate him in my life and yet I took my mom for granted so much. Mom is 60 years old and definitely still going strong but she needs companion also I believe. We are lucky that the kids are at home to keep mom occupied. I just wonder when will I really muster the courage to request mom to retire and live comfortably. 

To retire is to ask someone to accelerate their ageing unless they lead an active life style, of which I believe mom definitely can. Just fiddling with the house alone can definitely keep her very much occupied. It is the allowance part that keeps me worried. It is time that I should bear my responsibility as the eldest to fix the allowance to ensure that she has sufficient to spend comfortably. Currently, I am only footing the utility and assessments bills of the house and shop and mom's EPF fund. 

Now, back to my original intention behind this post. Marriage is between two person and two families. Time is divided into visiting both families but most of the time is between both of us. Time is divided between friends, family and ourselves. Now that we are not living together, he has time to mingle with his friends while I tend to squeeze my time when I am back in Penang, between family and friends and my facial and massage appointments. That's one of his more common complaints. 

 

I am learning to relax from him but I guess maybe I relaxed too much as well. I can't imagine how life will be when I fully move back to Penang. Better don't think and just put in more effort to make things work. I read a quote the other day, it says... "There are thousands of genuine reasons to get divorced, there are also thousands of ways to find the meaning of marriage and stay true to your partner". 

Truly agree with that. I believe that constant communication to align on expectations and constant reminder to each other to not take each other for granted and try something new and put in effort in the marriage is of crucial significant impact. Wish me luck. I know I will complain every now and then but why suppress one self too much right? If I can't be myself in a marriage, then it is not a marriage that I need. Appreciation and encouragement support is what one need. Jonsern is doing pretty well in that occasionally. I will buck up on that, hopefully. 

Friends around me are getting pregnant or had successfully delivered. I had the urge to be pregnant as well but I also realised that I need to be more composed and rational in decision making, no more rash and impulsive decision making. It is now no longer about me alone. Raising a family with new obligations shouldn't be taken lightly. I plan to have children starting next year. Wish my luck in having a pair of twins!

Learning to be a better person, to myself, to my family, and those around me. I don't see my marriage as the type where it will turn out into both of us being best friends where we can spill out everything every time. There are still boundaries where we set in order to avoid frequent arguments. Still in the middle of learning about each other and throw away pre-judgments. Learning is a life-long journey indeed.

Why Do I Join The Food Technology Community?

Last post was in Jan. This looks like quarterly post now, huh? Been wanting to revisit my blog but what triggers me to do so today was due to a flashback of my interview session with the lecturer for my English course in USM. It was a simple ice breaker question but one that I will and I hope to remember for years to come.

Lecturer: So why do you choose Food Technology?

Me: I am interested to learn what Food Technology can bring to the world, in terms of food preservation and technologies available to help to feed the world.

The answer came impromptu just like that. Something that I "goreng" on the spot and hence can remember because I put some thought into it. I chose Food Technology during university entry application due to a senior giving a talk about Food Technology course he had chosen as an undergraduate. We were Form 6 students at that time, I think. 

I slept off after typing the above paragraph and woke up super early, like 4.30am. Is this called insomnia? Or maybe due to me sleeping with lights on. I have been having this quite frequently recently. When I woke up, I was thinking... but it was also due to advances in food technology, microbiology and biotechnology that we get more and more detection of food fraud, waste of food etc.

When food is made to last longer, people tend to hoard foods and just throw them away when they are no longer good to eat. Especially with our modern lifestyle where one barely get the time to cook on weekdays! 

Getting back to the reason why I am interested with Food Technology... now I am revisiting where I am, now that I have worked for  8 years. Time flies, huh? Now, I tend to get demotivated pretty fast and tend to give up finding solution fast as well and jump into conclusion pretty fast as well. First two jobs as QA for 6 years and 3rd job as Technical Service for 1.5 years. 

Looking at the statistics, it is pretty clear to say that I definitely need more honing as TS person as different skill set is needed. I took up TS job because I am greedy for exposure and want to explore the vulnerable side of me. The side of me who never felt comfortable in business setting, lack of commercial mindset etc. I think I know where I am now. I have no interest for deep understanding of food ingredient knowledge unless have to, something not a TS should be doing.

When my application to be home based wasn't approved, I was sort of relieved as I will need to leave the company somehow. Sort of not having to dilly dally between resigning or not. That decision was made in April and now it is June. After browsing through Jobstreet and Linkedin job randomly, I finally mustered the courage to click on 3 jobs. All are not food industry related and required knowledge in ISO standards which I am not familiar with. At least something to kick start with, right?

It isn't easy to change job so often, something I would never have thought of doing. There was one time when a hiking friend shook my hand and was reading my palm. She told me that I am a capable person and will work for many companies. Judging my situation now, it seemed so. 3 jobs within 8 years or working, averaging almost 3 years per job. The current situation of neither too junior nor too senior doesn't make my transition back to Penang any more easier. With the lack of sizeable food industries in Penang, I am left without much choice if I don't wish to down grade too much from KL salary.

It is all in mindset I guess. If you think you can, you can. As for interviewing, I must remind myself to introduce my self-worth and don't think of it as I am begging for the job. It is a win-win situation for both. You need employee and I need a job. It should be treated as an agreement between both parties to work together. That should be it. We all should change our mindset. With each job, I am gaining different experience, in terms of work management, human management etc. Not rosy at all times but definitely a must pass through part of my life.

Wish me luck in job hunting. I better start to contact the head hunters and my ex-employer. Who knows if I will have some luck. And work on my ex-colleague suggestion to send in resume to the company I am interested to work in, rather than waiting for any posting on job vacancy.

Jia you, Pheo. Your mindset needs quite some tuning to do!

Scribble from 2015

Found a scribble from 2015, would like to make a note of it here for my reference,

if I ever refer, that is...

 

 

My notes to dear:

 

Thank you for completing my life, playing a complementary role.

You taught me a few stuff

- take things easy, taken action (walk the walk) and managing money.

I was envy with you due to your slight self-centredness.

You get things done for yourself and not overthinking for others.

 

I want to do many things but not much action thus far.

Vippasana meditation

- expect to get clarity but actually should not set any expectation.

 

That's why I tried Atma Kriya Yoga,

wanting to find my own self but I didn't practice it.

Practice makes perfect.

No one is good at one time deal even if talented.

The only advantage talented people has is faster pace of learning for them.

 

You said that I sound like your mom, asking you to do this and that.

I have to admit I do because I can't bear having many things undone.

These are the list of things I wish to do,

let's see how many can get done:

 

Trip to LEGOLAND

Bring mom for out-station trips

More time for mom

Hug / kiss / hold hands with mom

Develop better relationships with JS parents

Swimming / yoga / marathon

Half-marathon in 2 years time

Reading 10 books / year

Update blog / FB album

Photobooks

Don't multi-task - be more mindful and focused

 

 

Places I wish to visit:

 

Taiwan

Turkey

Sarawak (Mulu Cave)

Chiang Mai

Huah Hin

Myanmar

Ho Chi Minh

Hanoi

Xi An

Chong Qing

Hei Long Jiang

 

 

Mountains or hills I wish to climb:

 

Mount Rinjani (going there end of April)

Mount Bromo (volcanic eruption recently)

Gunung Tahan

Taman Negara

Gunung Pulai

Gunung Lambak

Gunung Ledang

Bukit Tabur

Gunung Nuang

Gunung Datuk

 

Quotes

My room is in a major mess and hence today I took some time to clear some of the mess.

Came across these quotes.

I used to have  them at work during my first job.

Decided to throw these away, but not before posting it here.

I would still like to refer to it one day.

 

 

What we think, or what we know, or what we believe,

Is in the end, of little consequence.

The only consequence.... Is what  we do.

(John Ruskin)

 

It is your attitude, not aptitude that determines your altitude.

 

Experience is what we get when we don't get what we wanted.

 

Losing is always temporary but giving up is a permanent stain.

 

The best preparation for the future is to do the best in the present.

 

Before you attempt to beat the odds, Be sure you can survive the odds.

 

 

 

 

 

First time make up

Flash back to my first experience of having make up on my face

 

 

Went to Watson's to buy make up cleanser for eye and lip

Already bought the facial makeup cleanser from Face Shop, thanks to Sally's recommendation

 

 

Done for make up and ready for casual photo-shoot for wedding

 

 

On the way to clean up my make up and removing the hairdo

 

Close up face

 

 

My naked face, without make up

Skin felt much more breathable and relaxed :)