6 Management Lessons That Everyone Should Know

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

 

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

 

'It was Bob, the next door neighbor,' she replies.

 

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

 

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

 

 

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

 

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

 

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

 

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

 

 

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

 

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She was gone.

 

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff! He was gone.

 

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

 

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

 

 

Lesson 4:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered, 'Sure, why not.'

 

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

 

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

 

 

Lesson 5:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. 'They're packed with nutrients.'

 

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

 

Moral of the story:

Bull Sh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...

 

 

Lesson 6:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

 

The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

 

Moral of the story:

1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy.

2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend.

3) And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

IT Jargons on Relationship Matters

Shared this from Afdlin Shauki's FB post...

Dear IT Support,

 

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower, gifts and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

 

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as Formula One 5.0, NBA 3.0 and World Cup 2.0.

 

And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

 

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate Housewife

 

Reply:

Dear Desperate Housewife,

First keep in mind:

Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

 

Try entering the command C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

 

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Late Night Teh Tarik 6.1. Late Night 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly. wav files.

 

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

 

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

 

You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Tasty Food 3.0 and Tongkat Ali 6.9.

 

Good Luck,
IT Support

Hokkien Fun-Time

Saw this from Facebook:

 

Children is Gina Kia

Boy is Da Boh Kia

Girl is Zha Boh Kia

Korean car is Kia

Furniture is Ikia

 

Give birth is Seh Kia

Hand phone is Nokia

Police is Mata Kia

Bad guy is Pai Kia

Good guy is Ho Kia

 

Malay is Huan Kia

Indian is Keh Leng Kia

Japanese is Jit Pun Kia

Chinese is Deng Lang Kia

 

Whoever reads this is Gong Kia

If you laugh you are Siao Kia

Kentut a.k.a. Fart

Amin: Kentut dalam bahasa Inggeris apa cikgu?

Cikgu: Wind of change.

Amin: Kentut yang tidak bunyi?

Cikgu: Sound of silence.

Amin: Kentut yang tidak disengaja?

Cikgu: Careless whisper.

Amin: Kentut yang terhimpit?

Cikgu: Please release me.

Amin: Kentut yang bau sangat?

Cikgu: Killing me softly

Amin: Kentut di malam hari?

Cikgu: Wonderful tonight.

Amin: Orang yang sering kentut?

Cikgu: Nobody but you.

 

 

CH forwarded this in Whatsapp group chat yesterday. And saw this again this morning. Amazing huh? I have never thought that "kentut" a.k.a. "fart" can be so gracefully described. Life is full of wonders and beautiful things, we just need to realize it :)

 

Good morning to everyone and may everyone have a great day ahead. Plus.... It is Friday today! Though I am working half day tomorrow, Friday is still a reminder that weekend is coming up pretty soon, yuhoo!

Kevin Khoo vs Cabin Crew

Found this in FB...

On SIA flight to KL,

Passenger: Miss, just want to ask you ah, who and where is this Kevin Khoo ah? He seem to be a very busy man. Everyone is looking for him...

Stewardess: ?? Sorry, Kevin Khoo?? Not sure what you mean sir...

Passenger: You know Kevin Khoo la... even the Captain is always looking for him... Kevin Khoo please be seated for take off... Kevin Khoo please return to your station... Kevin Khoo please disarm all doors... Kevin Khoo please be seated for landing... aiyo! He's so busy la... why you all never help him one??

Stewardess: Sir, there are 12 of us Kevin Khoos on this flight... and it's cabin crew... not Kevin Khoo!

Gandhi's Wit

This email forwarded by my lovely friend, Indika is so epic. Especially the final part. I love this so much. Hope it humours anyone who reads it as well...

 

When Gandhiji was studying law at the University College of London, there was a professor,  whose last name was Peters, who felt animosity for Gandhiji, and because Gandhi never lowered his head towards him, their "arguments" were very common. 

 

One day, Mr. Peters was having lunch at the dining room of the University and Gandhiji came along with his tray and sat next to the professor. The professor, in his arrogance, said,
"Mr Gandhi: you do not understand... a pig and a bird do not sit together to eat ",
 to which Gandhiji replies,

"You do not worry professor, I'll fly away ",

and he went and sat at another table.
 
Mr. Peters, green of rage, decides to take revenge on the next test, but Gandhiji responds brilliantly to all questions. Then, Mr. Peters asked him the following question,

"Mr Gandhi, if you are walking down the street and find a package and within it there is a bag of wisdom and another bag with a lot of money; which one will you take?"

Without hesitating, Gandhiji responded,

"The one with the money, of course".

Mr. Peters, smiling, said,

"If I'm in your place, I   would have taken the wisdom.
"Each one takes what one doesn't have",

responded Gandhiji indifferently.
 
Mr. Peters, already hysteric, writes on the exam sheet the word "idiot" and gives it to Gandhiji. Gandhiji takes the exam sheet and sits down. A few minutes later, Gandhiji goes to the professor and says,

"Mr. Peters, you signed the sheet, but you did not give me the grade."

Corporate Language

Came across this in Facebook.

So true.

If I am the boss, I will do the same too.

Oppsss...

Something To Laugh About

Silver surfers (in the golden age era) sometimes have trouble with their computers. Here is an example from a silver surfer...

I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 years old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what's wrong?"

He replied,"It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again."

Eric grinned... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote down: ID10T...
I used to like Eric, that little shit head.

Funny isn't it? I like it.

Don't Pee On The Golf Course

Another funny story shared by a friend via email:

 

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 note fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her.

 

Police: Ma'am, there're $20 bills falling out of that bag.

 

Lady : Oh really? Darn it! I'd better go back and see if I can find it. Thanks for telling me officer.

 

Police: Well, now, not so fast. Where did you get all that Money? You didn't steal it, did you?

 

Lady : Oh, no, no. You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. Many golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know! Then I thought, why not make the best of it? So now, I stand behind the fence, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks this thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say 'O.K., buddy. Give me $20, or off it comes!'

 

Police: Well, that seems only fair (laughing). O.K., good luck. Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?

 

Lady : Oh, not everybody pays, you know. 

 

Ouch, that must have hurt, not to mention permanent loss of one of the joy of life! Before this story, it had never occurred to me that golfers will need to pee while on the golf course. I learn new thing today. It sounds logical since golf course is so big, especially if they are in the middle of a game.

To Be Eight Again

Another joke about how man and woman interpret thing differently. Can't help it, huh? I don't know if it's due to my current life or if it's really funny, but I really laughed out loud silently in the office when reading this... Hope you find this funny too as I do think that it helps to remind me to take things easy....

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she would like to have for her birthday.

 

"I'd like to be eight again," she replied, still looking in the mirror.

 

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

 

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

 

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

 

He leaned over his wife with a  big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?"

 

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed, "I meant my dress size, you RETARD!"

 

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong.

Something to Brighten Up the Day

Tomato Planting

Another email from my friend, a bit dirty though, depends on how wild your imagination go....

 

If we do not plant knowledge when young, it will give us no shade when we are old. - Lord Chesterfield
 
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes but couldn't seem to get them to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
 
The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"
 
The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
 
The woman was so impressed she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed in her garden hoping for the best.
 
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
 
"No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

Duplicate Key

Another email from my friend....


Boy: What's between mom's legs?
Dad: Paradise, my son.
Boy: What's between your legs?
Dad: The key to the paradise.

Boy: One piece of advice, Dad. Change the lock, the neighbor has a duplicate key!

Funny Signs

Typical Penangite

This is emailed by a friend. Really typical Penangite spirit, though it was meant as a joke but you can't deny there might be some truth in it...

 

Four retired guys are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona.  They turn a corner and see a sign that says,
  
"Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents." They look at each other and then go in, thinking, This is too good to be true.
  
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room,  "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"
  
There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a Martini.  In no time the bartender serves up four iced Martinis - shaken,  not stirred - and says, "That'll be 10 Cents each, please."
  
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other.   They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis,  and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with thebartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please."  They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them.
  
They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a Dollar yet.
  
Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve Martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?"
  
"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says, and I always wanted to own a bar.   Last year I hit the Lottery jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place.   Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer - it's all the same."
  
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.
  
As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people  at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.
  
Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?"   
  
The bartender says, "They're retired Hokkien from Penang, Malaysia, they're waiting for Happy Hour  when drinks are half-price."

The Wisdom Behind A Silver Plate

This is another interesting and funny story to be shared, emailed by my friend:

 

Mom comes to visit her son Kumar for dinner... who lives with a girl room mate Sunita. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Kumar's room mate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

 

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his room mate than met the eye.

 

Reading his mom's thoughts, Kumar volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just room mates."

 

About a week later, Sunita came to Kumar saying, "Ever since your mother came for dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

 

Kumar said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:

 

Dear Mother:

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the silver plate. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
Kumar

Several days later, Kumar received an email from his Mother which read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Sunita, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Sunita. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now under the pillow...

Love,
Mom

Oppsss... such was the wisdom of a mom, bravo auntie!

Anagrams

Anagrams: You can transpose or re-arrange the letters in a word or phrase to become another word or phrase. Always interesting to see what might turn out from a word or a phrase. So here it goes...

Presbyterian

- Best in prayer

Astronomer

- Moon starer (I believe it should be spelled with two 'r' though)

Desperation

- A rope ends it

The eyes

- They see

George Bush

- He bugs Gore

The Morse Code

- Here come dots

Dormitory

- Dirty room

Slot machines

 - Cash lost in me

Animosity

- Is no amity (amity = friendship)

Election results

- Lie, let's recount

Snooze alarms

- Alas! No more Z's

A decimal point

- I'm a dot in place

The earthquakes

- That queer shake

Eleven plus two

- Twelve plus one

Mother-in-law

- Woman Hitler

Humours to End My June

Thank you so much to Dr Yeoh who constantly emailed me interesting posts. Weird that we never really talk in the office but we are still able to exchange news with each other as if we used to be so close, now that he had retired. I guess I didn't do my fair share of networking in the office perhaps, sigh! Well anyway, I like these jokes, so hopefully you enjoy it too!

#1

A Special Package to Businessman

An airline introduced a special package for business men: buy your ticket, get your wife's ticket free. After great success, the company sent letters to all the wives, asking how was the trip.

All of them gave the same reply: "What trip?"

#2

New SIM to Surprise Her Husband

Woman buys a new Sim Card. Puts it in her phone and decides to surprise her husband who is seated on the couch in the living room. She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband with the new number:

"Hello darling."

The husband responds in a low tone:

"Let me call you back later, honey. the stupid woman is in the kitchen."

#3

Cool message by a wife

Dear Mother-In-Law,

"Don't teach me how to handle my children, I'm living with one of yours, and he needs a lot of improvement!"

#4

Throwing knives at wife's picture

Husband was throwing knives at his wife's picture. All were missing the target! Suddenly he received call from her, "Hi, what are you doing?"

His honest reply, "Missing you."

#5

Habit of Talking In Sleep

Lady: My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?

Doctor: Give him an opportunity to speak when he is awake.

#6

Natural Disasters Just Happen

Nobody teaches volcanoes to erupt, tsunamis to devastate, hurricanes to swirl around and no one teaches a man how to choose a wife. Natural disasters just happen.

#7

Your husband needs rest

Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.

Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?

Doctor: They are for you!

How do you like it? No doubt women are at disadvantage here, but hey, let's be less serious for awhile and laugh along these jokes, epic!

Wisdom Learnt From Robbery

Recently, I came across a very interesting article in FB, and hence would like to share it here. Don't get me wrong, I am not condoning any robbery act. This story just reminds me that you can learn from everything that happens in life. It was quite funny as well.

<start of excerpt>

There was this robbery in Guangzhou, the robber shouted to everyone: "All don't move, money belongs to the state, life belongs to you". Everyone in the bank laid down quietly.  

>This is called "Mind Changing Concept --> Changing the conventional way of thinking".

One lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her "Please be civilised! This is a robbery and not a rape!"  

>This is called "Being Professional --> Focus only on what you are trained to do!"

When the robbers got back, the younger robber (MBA trained) told the older robber (who in only primary school educated), "Big bro, let's count how much we got", the older robber rebutted and said, "You very stupid, so much money, how to count, tonight TV will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!" 

>This is called "Experience --> nowadays experience is more important than paper qualifications!"

After the robbers left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly.  The supervisor says "Wait, wait wait, let's put the 5 million RMB we embezzled into the amount the robbers robbed".  

>This is called "Swim with the tide --> converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!"

The supervisor says "It will be good if there is a robbery every month".  

>This is called "Killing Boredom --> Happiness is most important."

The next day, TV news reported that 100 million RMB was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count 20 million RMB.  The robbers were very angry and complained "We risked our lives and only took 20 million RMB, the bank manager took 80 million RMB with a snap of his fingers.  It looks like it is better to be educated to be a thief!"  

>This is called "Knowledge is worth as much as gold !"

The bank manager was smiling and happy because his loss in the CINOPEC shares are now covered by this robbery.  

>This is called "Seizing the opportunity --> daring to take risks!"

<end of excerpt>

Q & A

Q: What did sushi A say to sushi B?
A: Whassup B?

Q: Why can't a bicycle stand on its own?
A: Because it is tired.

Q: In Malay, what do you call a happy burger?
A: Bergembira.

Q: What is brown and sticky?
A: A stick.

Hope these brighten up our days. Remember to smile. Remember to enjoy the moment. Remember to relax. I did and I feel good.