Lost...
The Secret says not to have any doubt.
But I am doing just that.
Wanting to do this and that, but doubting every single step.
No motivation, no kick, no drive.
New Zealand working holiday?
Moving in another stage of life?
Or just stay in Penang?
Focused in career?
Find my old self?
There is some truth in the old adage...
Things never change, but we look at things differently as we grow.
Wanting to slow things down,
But can I stop my wild thoughts and sudden desire to travel?
To play? To try this and that? To be selfish?
Without worrying too much?
Surrendering to the wandering lust?
Without having to worry what lies ahead?
So many question marks and doubts.
What kind of signal is this?
Am I creating this thought by myself?
By not being positive enough?
By making myself anxious for no particular reason?
Why am I craving for so much attention all of a sudden?
Crapping all the way when all I wanted to do is just to keep quiet.
Feels so wrong all of a sudden... the current situation.
Frown less, smile more.
Think less, do more.
Oh gosh, what do I want?
I can't be more specific, because I don't know what I want.
Can I just stay couped up at home?
Not diligently keeping in touch with the outside world?
Even if I managed to talk myself into doing that,
How long can my feet and heart stay still?
Listening to Lite FM helps.
More like a companion on such a late night.
Nothing more, nothing less.
Such was the comfort of music, jazz specifically.
Family is still the best.
Mom provides the most comfortable feeling in her presence.
To know that she will always be there for me.
But how to pour all these out to her?
When I don't even know what I want?
The old me is so firm and clear of what she wants.
Having set some goals to achieve.
And now? Been wanting to do too much, but without actions.
What you know, believe or learn,
Is of no importance,
If you don't put them into practise.
So true!
Blog is where I can vent vaguely yet allowing me to feel slightly better.
Especially when I don't feel like talking much.
Or when I don't have someone to talk to.
When I don't have that someone whom I feel that I can share my anxiety, uncertainty, insecurity.
28. Many will say I have quite an achievement.
I will attribute that to my mentors and mom.
They made me who I am today.
But I am not really who everyone thinks I am.
Motivation, discipline...
Something I need to work harder on.
Determination, strong will to work hard.
Even more effort needed.
Oh, come on!
Set your direction, whatever it is.
And stay put with it.
Stop doubting it.
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