No More Friendster For Me

Shit! Lucky I transferred my blog over here. Last few weeks I heard that Friendster is going to change to a new face and some features including the blog is going to be deleted off just like that. I didn't know when but boy, am I glad that I take an action.

I signed in into Friendster just now, with the intention to post one final post to inform that I will change blog address, and I got the shock when I saw that Friendster really changed into a new face, dedicated more to games now rather than a social networking site.

I am not frustrated because Friendster is changing face. Who uses Friendster nowadays anyway? I care because my blog is there and I SUPER LIKE the design layout. The only reason I use Friendster would be solely due to the blog alone. Now it's no longer there.

There are actually 2 main reasons I changed to this blog:

a) I heard about Friendster going to delete off the Friendster blog.

b) I had been getting quite some spam comments lately. Looks genuine but somehow they really look like spam. Now I don't have to worry anymore.

Now I guess I had to notify some my friends who had been following my Friendster blogs all this while. But then, how to tell them? It would be weird to inform them and the reaction u got will be something like: "I couldn't even care less." Awkward huh?

I think I will inform only a few close friends. That is more than enough I guess.

Mixed feelings again

Quite overwhelmed currently. Gonna be off to Bangkok this Sunday yet there is still lots of things to settle here. Lucky my colleagues are not bad and can help to follow up. Hopefully nothing serious gonna happen during the 3 weeks I am not there. I hate it when I feel helpless, just like what I am feeling currently.

Overall baking lab progress is good, though there seemed to be some hiccup in the beginning. Nevertheless, I think I need to improve my EQ and the way I communicate with my staff. Bad habits die hard. I am used to be very serious at work and tend to pull up a serious face most of the time. Well, I guess I won't be happy if my boss were like that. I keep on reminding myself but.... the rest is history.

Today we did series of end product testing, namely roti canai, bread, steamed bun and noodles. Everyone was excited especially during the roti canai dough throwing session. Not an easy task and I do salute the mamak stall guys who make roti canai throwing looks like a super-duper easy task. Bravo to them!

The best part was when we fried the roti canai and almost 30% of the staff get to taste it. Everyone was excited and happy with the 'first production' of the baking lab. Even the boss was feeling a bit excited and awkward at the same time. I had been a bit rough with the boss recently, now is the time to patch up I guess....

Yesterday gathered with Turtle group (told ya I am very fascinated with turtle, my Turtle group is the living proof) and overall it feels nice (though tired) to be able to meet up again since we are in the northern and central region. Met Ah Hong, ZN's soon-to-be hubby. Niu announced to us that she is getting registered in Sept in HK. Congratulation ZN!

None of us planned to fly over to HK for her ROM but we did promised to attend her wedding in HK 2 years later. Sure la, such a big day for her! We also planned a farewell gathering for ZN in Aug before she depart to HK for good. So happy for her. She knows what she wants and oh, she is going to further her study for Master in Education. Really glad for her.

All the best to u, ZN! Turtle group will love u forever.

My fascination with turtles

Today I went to Pantai Keracut for hiking with my fellow friends. And a trip to Keracut is never complete without visiting the so-called turtle sanctuary. Took quite some photos about turtles, which prompted me to write this post.

See? One look at the fence is sufficient to tell u that u have reached the turtle sanctuary, and I super love this fence.

These are erected to prevent the newly-hatched turtles from heading straight to the sea.

 

Each 'cage' is clearly identified on the laying date of the eggs etc, to clearly define each batch of hatched turtles.

Obviously that's not me taking the photo :)

There are quite a few of those 'cages'.

There was a demo on how the baby turtles crawl out from the hatched eggs, up to the surface. We were told that the temperature of the sand is imperative. If the temperate is not suitable, the baby turtles could even die during their quest to the surface.

Hatched baby turtles will be kept in a small container in the sanctuary for 1-2 weeks time before they are being released into the sea.

Those who know me well will know that I really like turtles. Why? Cos they are cute. And actually the only animal which I can draw decently where others can recognize easily is turtle. So that's why I like it so much. Even my email and my blog has the word 'turtle' in it. And oh... I always ask friends to get me something to do with turtles when they are travelling elsewhere.

See? Thus far, these are the turtles I managed to collect, by requesting my friends to buy for me when they travel out-station, only when they asked "What do you want?" of course. Oh ok, even when my close friends didn't ask, I will put up the request if they go to beaches, cos I know it would be easy to find there. But u know what is more fun? When my friends buy for me when I least expect it. E.g. Mei Yong, she took her own initiative to buy turtle necklace and turtle key-chain when she went to Malacca and Sarawak previously. Thanks a lot, Mei Yong!

#111 - Happy Father's Day, Daddy!

18.06.2011

Tmrw is Father’s Day. Every 3rd Sunday of June is a Father’s Day. Most families will either be busy celebrating it or won’t bother about it. As for me, I won’t have the chance to celebrate, not even once. When dad was here, we didn’t really bother to celebrate cos I was thinking: “I can celebrate it once I started working.”

In the end, who knows, God has better plan for him. Dad left us when I was in my first year in university. It came as a surprise to us but at least it’s comforting to know that at least he didn’t suffer for long and the moment just before his departure, he was actually having the fun of his life, laughing his heart out.

I still rmber the moment when sis bought him a Father’s Day cake when she was staying outside last time. It was not really a celebration, sis jz bought the cake and Dad happily cut it. That’s one of the rare moments in which Dad wasn’t able to contain his excitement. Well, we are never an “expressive” kind of family, so we don’t really spill out our emotions easily. I do miss my Dad.

Despite the “mouth wars” we used to have back then, I know that it was meant as part of our communication, especially since I was still very ‘green’ that time. Sure sure, young blood tends to lost control of their emotions or easily felt challenged back then.

I miss Dad’s laughter. Don’t know why, he always laugh no matter what, sometimes up to the point where I will think: “Is Dad out of his mind? What is there to be laughed at actually?”. But later on, I realized that it’s part of him. Everyone was so used to his signature loud roaring laugh, up to the point that even a few weeks after Dad’s departure, some customers still asked us about Dad’s whereabouts.

Everyone called him 开心果, though he can be quite fierce at times. One thing I really admire about him was that he seemed to be able to contain his anger quite well. He found his way to walk away when he was angered, which made me felt bad cos it seemed like we were bullying him. Sorry Dad!

Nothing much to write here. Whatever had happened had already happened. Whichever wasn’t being expressed would remain being unexpressed. I hope Dad is living good where ever he is now. I know he would look after us from he was to the best he could. Dad, I am not a good daughter but it’s all a thing in the past. Don’t worry, we will try to take care of Mom to the best we can.

HAPPY FATHER’S DAY, DADDY!!!

Comment:

> 19.06.2011 (leeping)

He is always with u

#110 - The Hints P Had Always Wanted To Know About

14.06.2011

This post is specially dedicated to P. She requested to know before this but I was lazy to tell her then. So now I am finding some time to translate it, with the help of my Chinese-educated colleagues (to tell me the pin yin of some Chinese characters) and Google translator (to translate the Chinese characters into English). Few weeks back, I was caught in the middle of a major decision-making and I had actually resorted to ask for some hints from the temple. Judge me all u want but I did it anyway. I asked two questions, one for career, one for love. How do I do it?

First, take a container full of long sticks (made of either bamboo or plastic) with numbers engraved on them. Then squat down, and ask the questions silently and sincerely in your mind, then start to shake the containers. It takes time, but sooner or later a stick will fall out from the container. Pick it up. There is another red circular probe, with bottom surface being flat but the top surface being concaved upwards.

Just imagine something like a ‘pong piah’ biscuit, only that the probe was split into halves, so u get two half-circles. Hokkien called this as ‘buak pui’. U are supposed to pick it up, pray and ask whether this is the stick meant to answer your query, then throw it on the floor. If both show same surface, i.e. flat vs flat or concaved vs concaved, then it’s a NO. If it’s flat vs concaved, then it’s a YES. Hokkien called this ’seng pui’.

If yes, then only u memorise or jot down the number engraved on the stick. Some said that once u get a NO, then u mz reshake the container to get another stick while some said that u have 3 chances to ‘buak pui’, failing upon which u have to request for another stick. Luckily I got YES at the first throw for both queries I asked. Then proceed to the counter, recite the number and u will be given papers (hints, Chinese called them as ‘qian’) with the specific number u obtained. I got number 47 for career and 51 for love.

MY told me that different temple actually has different hints associated with different numbers. Hence, if u want to check out what the hint says from the Internet, u need to know which temple did u ask the hint from. Nowadays, everything also so hi-tech, can even check hints from Internet. Who would have thought of that back then? But I was lucky cos my sis and mom both knew how to interpret the hints.

Each hint will have a title on top which actually relates to a story. Hence, usually when u see the title, you would have known whether the hint is good or bad. Of course there is further explanation below the title as not everyone will know the story behind the title. China has lots of stories which dates back to at least few hundred years, mind you! It’s quite impossible for u to know all, even for the Chinese-eds, let alone for bananas or papayas like me.

Thus usually we will always read the explanation given below the title to further understand the nature of the hint. So to make it easy, it’s either u get a good hint or a bad hint.

For career, the hint title that I got was 姜女哭到长城。The explanation: 一重江水一重山， 此去崎岖路又艰，任是改求终不过，是非终久未能安。解曰：宅平病延，某难处讼不利。

This is the translation obtained from Google Translate which wasn’t perfect, but I believe one look at this translation, will tell that it’s a very bad omen: “Jiangnv cry to the Great Wall. A heavy weight of a mountain river, the rugged road is difficult to, any request is to change the end, however, not safe non-thy latter end. Solutions said: House ping disease extension, a certain difficulty of First Instance of the disadvantaged.”

Confused? From what I understand was that, there wil be many  obstacles (explained by the water and the mountain to cross), paths which are hard to cross, and unhealthy gossips. P, pls correct me if I am wrong. U be my Mandarin teacher pls. When I got this hint, I was actually quite adamant to stay put with my decision despite the bad omen. But, when I still felt uneasy just the day before I was supposed to give the final answer, I broke down due to pressure and mom decided to ask for another hint for me. It was that hint which further strengthened my mind to reject the offer.

If the hint above was bad, this one is even worse: 龙虎昆深山。I didn’t have the explanation as the hint was with mom. But basically it says that “dragon and tiger are trapped in a mountain”. Now that’s a very bad omen. For Chinese, we always associate dragon and tiger with strength, mightiness and power. Entrapped in a mountain will portray that both these powerful animals are helpless. I still rmber one of the explanation which says “neither here nor there”. That is good enough for me to reject the offer adamantly. I am not a superstitious person but I do believe that we should have some faith or belief in something. It is this faith which keeps us going in times of adversity, along with other factors of course!

For love, it’s a total opposite. Meaning I got a very good hint: xi交葵na绣球。(sorry, I couldn’t find the word based on my colleague’s pronounciation, so I jz used the pin yin, easier). The explanation: 于今此景正当时，看看欲吐百花魁，若能遇得春色到，一洗清吉脱尘埃。 解曰：某望成百事吉，宅利婚就。

From Google Translate: “Today this scene is the time to see flowers Kui Yu Tu, if the event was Spring into a guitar off the dust cleared. Solutions said: a look into the Pepsi Kyrgyzstan, home to facilitate marriage.” I don’t know how to explain this sentence by sentence as I don’t even understand one bit of it. But suffice to know that is a super good hint for love.

‘Xiu qiu’ is actually related to wedding. If u watched old Chinese drama, u will see that the groom will usually wear black samfu with red trousers with a big red flower in the middle of his chest. That’s the xiu qiu. Also, there was this culture last time where bachelors will compete with each other to grab a rattan ball in order to win the heart of a lady. The lucky guy who managed to get hold of the ball will marry the lady.

Very good hint huh? Wuhoo, felt excited already! But… I am still wondering actually, hmm… where is my Prince Charming?

p/s: Melvin, if u are reading this, please take the trouble to explain it to me, via email. Thanks!

#109 - My Own World

10.06.2011

Awkward… close yet not close. Familiar yet so distant. It’s a weird position to be in. Which somehow makes me retreat back into my previous world. It’s heavenly when u manage to find some leisure time to catch up with some readings. The pleasure and the isolation u felt while indulging in ur own world, couldn’t simply be described through words. I admit I am a bit of an introvert sometimes. As it goes, I do feel that I should treasure this moment as I wouldn’t know what might come next for me.

The other day WY analysed and told me, I am the type of person who needs some private moment to myself rather than mixing with ppl all the time. Sociable but introvert. I strongly agree. WY is the type who likes to mingle around with others and wouldn’t mind if there is little time left to herself. I can’t. I like to sometimes contemplate in silence, doing whatever I want to, in a split second. That is why sometimes I will blog that I feel like walking by the seaside etc. I know, I know, I am weird! That, I admit too. 

I do need to feel satisfied, of which I don’t feel so currently. Never mind, I know I will be able to source for satisfaction sooner or later. The easiest way for me is through books and sports. I wouldn’t want to bother about other stuff anymore… I want to retreat into my own sweet world, a world of my own, couped up in my own comfort. It feels nice when u don’t have to bother with whatever is happening out there. I want to keep an eye shut and pretend that nothing had happened at all.

Comment:

> 12.06.2011 (leeping)

i want to watch super 8 ….

 

> 14.06.2011 (ecodiaxia)

I find myself coming to your blog more and more often to the point where my visits are almost daily now!

 

> 14.06.2011 (ecodiaxia)

I just sent this post to a bunch of my friends as I agree with most of what you’re saying here and the way you’ve presented it is awesome.

#108 - Empty Shell

10.06.2011

Now I have reached the path where I am feeling contented yet there seemed to be an empty shell waiting to be filled up. Hmm, I don’t think this is what I want. Yes, I am being very diligent to read TIME magazine after work but somehow I think I placed my priority in the wrong place. Instead of TIME magazine, I should concentrate on technical reading since that’s the only way I can increase my self-worth to my organization and climb up the career ladder faster.

Action speaks louder than words. I still can’t make myself to do technical reading. Humans will always spin out thousands of excuses when they don’t feel like doing it. I am a good example. Sigh! Couldn’t help it. When I subscribed I didn’t really notice that it’s a weekly subscription for TIME magazine. Hence, I have quite a backlog of TIME magazine to catch up with and it is really worth the time reading. I learned more about international news through TIME.

If only I can devote such an enthusiasm to the technical reading which is eagerly waiting for me. Perhaps one of the reason would be that I didn’t pay for the technical books. Lame! Speaking of which, I no longer visit bookstore as frequent as previous time. One, I seldom went for shopping with my friends (hence, less visit to bookstores in the mall) and second, I know I can’t resist the temptation to buy fictions. I had more than enough fictions in my cupboard waiting for me to read.

Recently, I read about peak performance fitness program. It is something like a repetition of fast and slow intensity for whatever exercise program u have. E.g. start with a 3 min warm up, then do 1 min sprinting, followed by 3 min slow jog. Repeat the sprinting and slow jogging for about 8 times, then warm down for 2 min. For new beginners, it is recommended to do 3 sets of repetition so as not to push urself too much. Sounds easy? It is very tiring! I didn’t try it though. I am more of a slow exercise type of person.

It was said that 20 min of such a program beats a 1 hour jog in terms of calories burnt and the metabolic rate is still high even after 8 hours. The theory behind it was that humans have slow muscle, medium muscle and fast muscle. Perhaps the term I used is wrong, but just assume I am explaining in laymen’s term. We always exercise and trained our low muscle in daily activities and sports, leaving fast muscle under-trained.

In fact it’s the fast muscle which should be trained if we want to burn calories fast. Just imagine this: a marathon runner and a sprinter. U can see that though marathon runner has toned muscles, they can never achieve the body figure as a sprinter. That’s one easy example to describe the difference between working out the fast and slow muscle. Not sure if anyone reading this will understand but I had tried my best to explain.

I don’t think I will try this out but I will surely keep this in mind. As the age gets older, metabolism rate tends to get lower but my appetite tends to grow bigger. Can’t help it, I tend to take huge servings of rice, no matter how I tried to remind myself to reduce my carbohydrate intake. I had this ‘unspoken love’ for rice. One day without rice and I will feel as if I haven’t taken a proper meal. But at least I tried to exercise at least once a week, either jogging, badminton, hiking or cycling.

Perhaps will resume my yoga lesson in Sept. Yoga really makes me sweat and I feel comfortable after sweating out. But…sure whole body will ache cos my body is quite rigid when it comes to bending especially when it involves the lower part of the body. I am pretty hopeless when it comes to waist downwards, perhaps due to my bad posture. Posture is really important and whenever I saw any young kids hunched, I will always correct their posture.

One thing for sure, after babbling for so much, I still couldn’t figure out what’s the empty shell all about. I am flying to Bangkok in July for training and hence I should be busy with all the preparations in June but here I am still figuring out how to fill up the empty shell. Perhaps I am too lacking in technical knowledge, which makes me feel dissatisfied and insecure? Satisfaction is very important to me. Now I must try to find that SATISFACTION which I am guessing is the source of my empty shell…

#107 - Bitten by Travel Bug

04.06.2011

Couldn’t help it. I am itching for travelling again. But… I vowed not to have any travel out of Malaysia in 2012. So how ah? Maggie jz came back from her Cambodia trip, which really makes me feel like wanting to go there. I have always wanted to go to Angkor Wat but don’t know who on Earth told me that Angkor Wat is closed for restoration undefinitely.

I will arrange for Cambodia in 2013 then. Meaning I will need to wait for Air Asia zero-fare promotion to book flight to and fro from Cambodia and my main target will be Angkor Wat. I do hope that I can find ‘kaki’ for this trip. If Chanuri and Tha Nung agreed to this trip, then it will be fun. Still thinking who else to invite. Suddenly I rmbered that I mentioned a Spore trip to MY before. Oppss!

I also had the urge to try Skytrex in Taman Pertanian Cahaya Shah Alam. Ever since I missed the trip during my 1st year of working, it had always been my intention to visit that place. Since it’s not easy to find ‘kaki’ and to arrange for the transportation, it’s quite tricky. The same thing goes for hiking at Sg Belimbing, Pahang. They call it as Panorama Hill, if I am not mistaken.

Also in my list will be Taman Negara (Pahang) and Gua Mulu (Miri). Batu Caves, Teluk Intan and Taiping also in my wish-to-go list. Concentrate to trips within M’sia first I guess. So greedy, wanting to go to so many places. How to save money if like this huh? Haiz…

Comment:

> 05.06.2011 (name me)

it’s possible if you plan it right, year by year. unless your work takes you there.
teehee

#106 - What Really Happened

28.05.2011

I had a major decision-making and had practically suffered within the 6 days given. Couldn’t even concentrate much on work. Enough said, I had decided and would like to try out the new path, but in the end I backed out. Most of them were caught by surprise. But then, if it were not for certain people, I would definitely go for it. Somehow usually when u make a decision, u would be quite certain. But this time, I felt very uneasy. Something inside me was shouting for me to reconsider.

I felt tremendous pressure just the night before and had practically broken down. Called mom and consulted her. This is the first time I confided in her. Usually I solve things my own way. I am glad I did. She consoled me and told me that not all will be lost if I don’t take the path offered. I agreed but what she said next made me realize a thing. I do need some faith to reassure my decision. 人算不如天算. Mom said she will go to temple to pray for hints.

I did once before and the outcome was negative but I decided to go for it anyway. The night mom told me that, I was actually hoping for the hint to be negative. But if it was positive, I was all prepared to take up the path. After crying badly, I was practically tired with eyes swollen and went to sleep. The next morning, mom called and said the hint was negative again. I suddenly felt relieved. Some of u must be very surprised that I had actually resorted to this way to determine a major change of pathway in my life, I couldn’t care less. I am still a normal human being.

Some thought I am afraid of the new environment. But let me say this, usually once I had decided, I will go all out even if it means that I am not fully prepared and slightly doubtful. There is more to this decision. The timing wasn’t really right and I realized that there is a soft spot in my heart. I realized that I do like what I am having now. Being someone who likes sports, one would have known that I prefer to have a balanced life. Yes, no pain no gain…but I think I can forego this for this round.

The opportunity might not come the second time but this is one chance which I am willing to LET GO. I actually believed that I gained more as I learn to appreciate the things and the people around me. I realized that I am likeable after all. The one reaction which caught me by surprise was by TSL. She practically advised me not to go for it, whereas almost everyone before her of whom I had consulted actually encouraged me. I will always remember that moment.

I thank God for the enlightenment. Somehow I had the feeling that God is trying to convey a message to me. Perhaps I had been neglecting those around me. But now no more, I do hope that I will always remember this lesson. I don’t have much regret for not taking the path offered. Instead, I felt honored to be the Chosen One. Not that they have much choice. I was the only ONE available at that particular time anyway. Thanks again, God! May is the month where I first step my foot into a temple since the beginning of 2011. I think I had restored some faith in religion (had previously lost mine and couldn’t bother much about it).

The other day, WL shared with me: there are 5 love tanks, namely (in no particular order): moral support, respect, physical touching, romance, materialistic. I labelled myself in descending order of priority, as: moral support > respect > physical touching = romance = materialistic. WL said I only had 2 love tanks. But then after I discussed with MY, I think for now, mine will be: moral support > respect > physical touching > romance = materialistic. Let me explain:

• Moral support > I need to share my ups and downs with others. Last time I used to bottle everything within myself and it doesn’t feel good at all. I need some reassurance from others, be it positive or negative.
• Respect > It’s definitely an important aspect in my life. Don’t do to others what u don’t want others do to u. Hence, if u want others to respect u, u should respect others too. And remember, respect should be earned, and not demanded.
• Physical touching > Don’t get me wrong. I am very sensitive towards touching, i.e. I couldn’t even bear cats brushing its tail against my leg. But I do feel that physical touching actually gives a sense of security and sincerity to others. Simple physical touching such as handshake or a pat on the shoulder seems like a very simple gesture but it can mean a lot to others, esp. those who lack confidence.
• Romance and materialistic…. > I don’t know, I am not a romantic type of person. All this while, I always tell others that I am slightly tomboyish though right now I appear more womanly than manly. Though KK will always say I am still a typical lady.

And come on, who is not materialistic right? Just be honest la. The other day, I had a discussion with JS. He said most ladies nowadays are materialistic and diamonds are women’s best friend. I begged to differ. I told him that ladies nowadays are realistic, not materialistic, which rings true right? Who would want to spend time with someone who is not even bothered about the future? We still need to take care of our own, especially so when women seem to lose their market value once married while men seem to have higher market value after married. It’s just weird and not fair huh? And I don’t like diamond pun. I like… sports! I am sure some would have fainted with my response…

#105 - Touched, Relieved and Happy

22.05.2011

Decided. I am glad I talked to WY and WE. They really helped me to analyze the situation a lot. Also special thanks to MY for her encouragement. To LP, KK, WL, I couldn’t say less. Today I felt a sense of relief and calm swept over me around 4pm at work. Ytdy night, already knew roughly what kind of decision I will make, but come to work this morning, I was still seriously contemplating.

Another part of me felt sad as I can’t tell them what’s in my heart since it’s not fully decided. And I think it’s better to break out the news only when some actions had been done. Quite a lot of follow up to be done later on. The sudden wave of relief came just like that, and I didn’t feel like talking much. I felt like doing things on impulse all of a sudden but couldn’t make myself to do it. Damn! But good also lah, I didn’t do it. Just felt a bit wasteful, all the efforts and time taken to build up the strong connection. Intended to be silent but I knew I can’t. This might be our last meet after all.

Told JS before movie with him today. I believed he was taken aback. I had the urge to act on impulse again but refrained myself. I am glad I did. Had usual chat with him but longer than usual. Perhaps due to longer time available. Later WL called and I felt relieved talking to him over the phone. He is always my good listener and advisor. Felt bad can’t do much for him. He is a nice guy, must help to recommend girl friends to him, to repay his genuine and sincere friendship.  Didn’t talk too long with JS when he called again later. Shall meet him again next week before he went off to India. Weird, I still haven’t receive my postcard from Melbourne. Please don’t let it go missing.

While driving back home from my rented room, suddenly my tears came streaming down my cheeks. I knew I had this bottled within myself for too long, though it’s only for a day. I am glad and feel blessed for the life I had. Genuine friends, colleagues and family. Images of them came into my mind one by one, and I recounted those sweet moments I had with them. Those cherished moments and those unspoken appreciation about them. I even wondered what will happen during the farewell. Will I cry? Well, if I really cry, I am gonna make sure that it will be on my last day. Leave with style mah….

Looking out into the Lab, I saw my staff working. I felt the sudden affection for them. I know I am gonna miss them so much. Though I tend to be stern, I do treat them as part of my work family.  I appreciate them, just that I didn’tmention it only. I used to be harsh on them, pushing them to work harder, without taking care of their feelings. What to do? When I think that someone has the potential, I try to help to develop him or her. I think I am gonna hug them, to show my appreciation.

Aisehman, suddenly so emotional la pulak! Somehow, I felt that a huge rock had been lifted from my shoulder after I made this decision. Thank you God! Whatever happened, I will cover it myself and remind myself to take good chance of it! Thank you again. 

#104 - Turning Point of My Life???

20.05.2011

Big decision to make. The excitement is unbearable but at the same time, fear of uncertainty as well. If I grab this chance, I have to sacrifice a lot. And why break this news to me on a Friday? How am I supposed to spend my weekends in peace? Not so much peace anyway, since this week it’s my turn to work on Sat. My heart says go, but things aren’t that easy.

There are many things which I have to let go. LET GO….. Not an easy thing to do, too much at stake. Taking uncalculated risk, I don’t know how well can I fare in this daunting task. What’s worse will be that… I always have high expectation on myself. If I don’t do well, my self-esteem will come plummeting down and I will put on too much pressure on myself. In the end, I will only suffocate myself.

It’s true to say that no pain no gain. But… it’s not easy for me to successfully create my own network of friends here (esp. for sports), and I don’t think I will be able to find another one, of which I am so comfortable with anymore! I am really comfortable here. Starting all over again, with new environment…sounds daunting enough for me. The challenges are huge, but the exposures are great too. But the question still comes back to me, do I want it? Yes, I want! Am I willing to LET GO? Not really… Sigh! I hate making choices.

The question now comes back to me. What do I want? Career advancement? Or balanced life? Life is never perfect, u know. U can never have career advancement without sacrificing something. Do I want to be purely workaholic? At my age, workaholic can also translates to being a spinster later. I wouldn’t really want that. I am foreseeing that I have to let go of:

• JS (I don’t think LDR will work, esp if it’s not even starting yet)
• My beloved family (definitely will go back lesser since it’s not near and not cheap)
• My sports (it’s quite easy to hike, jog and play badminton in Penang here and I had just found my kaki here)
• Colleagues (we developed quite a comfortable niche within the Lab)

Life is so unfair. Good chances always come with a price, can never let me choose easily. Now I am gonna have sleepless nights

Comment:

> 20.05.2011 (CMY)

ask urself back…”will u regret in the future?”if the answer is yes,go for it….good chance won’t always come knocking on ur door…never be afraid to leave ur comfort zone….u never know what lies ahead…never be afraid to try…….

 

> 21.05.2011 (leeping)

i definitely agree with CMY. Just follow your heart. Guess we have to talk bout it properly on Sunday tokun. Anyway, will support ur decision always go to sleep..haha

#103 - Nothing Is Impossible Yet Not Everything Is Possible

16.05.2011

My heart ached for this friend. Let’s call her M. M called me. Listened to her encounter. We all knew that will be the outcome. But didn’t know how will the meeting unfold itself and how will it end. Now we know. Not the good ending we hope to happen (expected actually) and she really got hurt real bad.

Damn! I felt like strangling and choking him for his selfishness. M can still defend him by saying he had his own reason. Come on, a guy’s responsibility when committing to a relationship is to ensure that his partner won’t suffer due to him. He knew the final outcome and yet he started with M. If not SELFISH, what would u call him? If u side the guy, please don’t tell me or else I am gonna strangle u too!!!

M, if u are reading this, u are wise! U know, I know, everyone knows! U are too good for him. He is not worth the grief and pain u are excruciatingly feeling now. LET GO! Be cruel to yourself. To hell with him! Apology for my words, M. U might not feel comfortable that everyone is resenting and scolding him, but we couldn’t help it.

Who on earth does he think he is, playing with u until such a magnitude and acting cool when he should be the one ending it? Screw him! Love but not willing to sacrifice. Knew that there won’t be good outcome but still started it. Such an IRRESPONSIBLE and SELFISH guy. INSINCERE! A guy not willing to give is not worth ur time and affection. Always find a guy who loves u more than u love him. It’s proven to be working!

Please…. distance urself from this poison ivy. STOP ANY FORM OF CONTACT IMMEDIATELY! U can re-establish the contact with him after u healed ur wounds. But not anytime before that! Don’t cari pasal. What u need now is DETERMINATION and WILL POWER to LET GO! Cry all the way u want if it makes u feel better but u must LET GO. Otherwise, cry until blind also nothing changes. What for?

Having said this, perhaps it’s good to let ur dad knows about this. He might have warned u but a dad is still his daughter’s best confidante when the time needs be. At least u don’t have to hide ur feelings that hard. Anyhow, I respect ur decision no matter what! If don’t want to reveal, then don’t la.

Treat this as ur experience in love. Don’t regret it a bit. U learnt the hard way, that miracles don’t work that easily in love. Time will heal but it must start from ur heart. Stay strong. Stay tough. Stay invincible. Perhaps too exaggerating!

But the message must get across: ONLY U CAN HELP URSELF. I can advise and console u until my mouth is dry but if u don’t practise it, don’t try hard, also no point. It’s hard to pull out suddenly but time heals. Easy for me to say because I am not the one in the sinking boat. I am only offering my opinion from my stand point of view.

REMEMBER: LET GO!  Don’t keep on thinking why can’t two ppl who love each other be together? Love is not just about romance, mind u. This shouldn’t have happened in the first place. But it happened and since it’s already a thing in the past, live up to ur own self. Life must go on.

U must not ignore the little noises reverberating in ur mind, warning of any uncertainties or doubts. Listen to ur heart and mind. Both must be synchronized and work together. An IRRESPONSIBLE, SELFISH and INSINCERE man shouldn’t be picked in the first place. But at least u get ur own answer. Time will be the healing factor now…

All the best to u, M! U can do it! Remember to LET GO. Remember to treat urself better, U have my support!

Comment:

> 17.05.2011 (leeping)

I guess M would have tears in her eyes while reading ur blog as one of her great frens in her life n she has let go after that night

 

> 17.05.2011 (name me)

doubt she would do as you say, as love is blind.

 

> 18.05.2011 (turtlerocks)

name me, why appear so mysterious? any chance ur name starts with D, K or C?

#102 - Learn To Be Selfish, Cruel and Say No

15.05.2011

I have to learn to be more cruel, selfish and say no when I have to. Otherwise, I am wasting everyone’s time and at the same time dragging things further. Can’t be too greedy by wanting everything to end perfectly well. Got to learn that when there is no pain, there is no gain. I need to let go of something in order to gain something. I guess that will be it.

I dedicate this title to a few of my friends as well. Don’t bother too much about what others would think about ourselves, rather think this way: If I didn’t do it, will I be able to be my usual self without much trouble? Will I be relieved of the mind-boggling decision-making? If the answer is yes, then good lah! If the answer is a NO, then by all means, go ahead and do it!

Be it working in S’pore or breaking up or some other more sensitive issues, just do it! If by doing that we can have better sleep and can feel better, why not? It’s time to think for ourselves rather than for others. We have the right to be selfish, cruel and say NO for a change. No more having troubled and sleepless nights and pondering over some uncertainties which we have no way of knowing (since we dare not say it out).

Discovered a park in Taman Bukit Dumbar. I would like to have a slow evening stroll in this park with my loved ones. Will be better if I don’t have to talk and just need to listen. Today I was like that when hiking Tokun with WY and WE. They were shocked as to why I am quieter than usual. Don’t worry, I would just like to listen more than talk for a change. Sports is always my favorite avenue to channel my joy, sorrow or anger. It never fails me!

Today I sent my nephew to his kindie and picked him up from there after my hiking. I pitied him because he seemed to be neglected. I guess as his aunt, I should help out too. Will keep a mental note for that. I guess I must learn to offer help and say YES too! How about that? Learning to be selfish and say NO yet learning to offer help and say YES at the same time. Hah!

#101 - Frugality vs Fun?

07.05.2011

To be honest, MY really knows my activities and she constantly reminds me of my outgoing activities. Thanks again for the reminder. I gotta control more strictly. I will try not to load too much activities already. Why? Simple… more activities = more money, which I don’t have much now. I hope I can keep to my own words of not having any out-of-Malaysia trip in 2012. Time to save up some money for emergency fund.

But there are still some activities which I must continue, which I cannot live without:

a) sports - hiking, badminton, jogging, whichever…

b) Sunday to be reserved for Kulim, unless I am out-station

The other day, I read something online. It says frugality only plays a role until certain stage, after which earning more income is more of the solution to improve ur finance. I couldn’t agree more. But for the time being, I dono what I am going to do. So until then… frugality will be my way for the time being.

Keeping in touch with friends via online is made easier with FB but with restriction in Internet connection since I am renting room outside, it got lesser. Nevertheless I realized that without Internet there was actually much more things which I can achieve. I count that as blessing… My friends always say I am busy. Actually I was trying to accomodate everyone into my schedule, which I think I should cap it too.

The other day, LP asked why I post so frank in previous blog entry? Stop guessing. It was not what u people think, only those I consulted will know what I mean. So stop speculating. To me, life is short and I should do what I want. Yes, people may give advice all along the way but it’s my call whether to take heed of the advice. And I do appreciate all those previous comments. Thanks to those few who had been my loyal listener.

U know I am referring to you. So I apologize if u felt irritated by the constant nagging. But trust me, i agree with u when u say that the decision is urs to make, the advices are for u to choose as to which one u would like to take heed of. And I always believe that we shouldn’t care too much about what others think of us. No one can satisfy everyone 100%. As long as u are happy, be it. So go ahead and do what u want! U have my support

#100 - Confession To Make

30.04.2011

Noticed that I did quite a number of double posts recently. No reason for that. It might be triple posts if I have that much to say even, but…nah, I don’t think I have that much to write about.

I think I am starting to like u more. I don’t think u will read this, but if u do, u will know what I meant. Appreciate u coming over through the tedious jam on weekday, despite u having to wake up early the next day. Though we seemed to be able to stir up more conversation than before, I still think it’s not deep enough but let’s give ourselves some time. I got some of ur hints but I pretended not to or changed the topic. If it hurts u, I apologize but that’s me. Be frank with me and don’t expect me to guess…because either I am not good in guessing, or I won’t bother to guess.

Yup, that’s the insensitive me. It’s my nature, couldn’t help it. I appreciate little things and gestures rather than big big stuff. Though I didn’t voice it out, doesn’t mean that I didn’t notice. Thanks again for the pleasant meeting. As for ur trips overseas, yes, I am green with envy but I am sure I will have my time to come to be able to travel oversea too. And…please don’t forget my postcard. It will be a significant mark of our friendship. U might laugh, but I do actually safeguard presents from friends to the best I could.

As for ur massage… I can do for u but I will still advise u to go for Thai massage just the way u like it. They are more professional. Me? I don’t think so. Also, please remember the fruit cake u mentioned. I actually prefer butter or marble cake but…got home-made cake, why not? My friend told me I was weird because no one really likes butter cake. I don’t care, I just like it.

I don’t have many friends whom I like that much and I do appreciate when I found one. There are many Hi-and-Bye friends, I like them but it’s not the kind where u will bother to keep in touch all the time. When I found a friend (either male or female) with whom I can click well, I don’t mind making the effort to keep in touch. It always feels good to know their updates from time to time.

MY, KK, KL, LP, WY, MF, AL, YL, SH, PZ, JB…. thanks for the wonderful moments we shared together. Hmm, now I am starting to miss Melvin too, seemed like he had been MIA for quite some time. Always being my good advisor. I do agree that Internet is a great tool for ppl to keep in touch with each other. But even without Internet (though things seem to be inconvenient at first), we can still keep in touch with each other.

KK, if u are reading this, I loved the postcard u sent me! Missed seeing handwritten postcards after being so used to computer-typed emails.

Comment:

> 05.05.2011 (jyy-yin)

Tak nampak JY pun

#99 - Happy Birthday To My Dear Sister

30.04.2011

Today is her big day, but I am not going home to celebrate with her. Why? Cos I am going to stay over at SH’s place in Balik Pulau. When I agreed to the plan, I didn’t realize that it was on 30.04.2011 which is today. My sis just came home a few days ago after a few months of out-station travelling selling ointments in night markets over the peninsular with her hubby, daughter and dad-in-law. Just few days ago, she was in Mak Mandin area and called me since she will be putting up a stall near there. She actually cooked and brought me the food.

But since I had already promised AC and YL to meet up at Winter Warmers in Sunway Carnival for AC’s farewell, I told my sis that I will collect it from her around 10pm. What an ungrateful chap I was! Exchanged short words with sis, her hubby and played very short while with my niece, collected the home-cooked food and salvaged them in my rented room.

I felt touched and deeply appreciated her cooking. The portion was definitely too much for a person but being the dinosaur me (with exceptionally big appetite at times) I managed to finish them up. Imagine, it was already 11pm ++. Haven’t been to bed with such a heavy stomach for quite some time. The shameful thing is, even my sis knows how to cook. I don’t =.=’ I do feel touched, being able to eat home-cooked food while renting room outside. Family is always the best!

Thank you so much sis, you are being a much better sis than I am. U took care of the family in a much better way than I am. I know u won’t read this post but somehow I must convey my gratitude and my pleasure in having such a wonderful sis like u, somewhere. I don’t think I will be able to tell u that in person, so I vent it out here.

Sorry for not being a very supportive sis throughout ur whole life. I know u have ur fair share of grief and sorrows but u are just too good in concealing them with ur stupid antics and cheerful demeanours. I am happy and glad to have u as part of my life.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!!

#98 - End of April Activities

24.04.2011

Overall, it was a good week spent. Tired but worth it I guess. Met WL, chatted with him during dinner. Haven’t seen my Guardian Angel from 30 Hours Famine for quite some time now. He is a knowledgable guy and is always willing to share it out. Speaking about WL, I miss BH too since I knew her from the 30 Hours Famine Camp as well. I don’t think I will join the camp this year. Too many things going on recently. No more luxury time as much as last year.

Meeting JS next week before he went off for Aus early May. Always go for vacation, so jealous! But at least he promised to post me a postcard from there. I nearly forgot that I like to receive postcards from foreign countries. I made MF promised to send me one from Cambodia as well. I am such a nuisance when it comes to asking for souvenir, giving ppl so much trouble! I had a postcard from PZ when she went to Taiwan last year. I kept all those postcards. I appreciate these kind of small gestures.

Met WY and had a short good chat with her. It was scary knowing how ‘good’ friends can be ‘enemy’ in a split second. Something for me to consider when dealing with people next time. Managed to go for tokun hike ytdy with Terence and Chua. I couldn’t believe that I pancit halfway. I thought I couldn’t make it. I never thought that I will be so lame. I mean I hiked the same route for at least 4 times before this and I was faring well. Perhaps I didn’t hike for too long and I didn’t take breakfast before the hike (dinners had been very simple meal lately, perhaps the energy reserve wasn’t sufficient).

Now I know how blissful it was to be descending the hill when u felt helpless during the ascent. I recovered well after that. Glad that I can hike this week, I need exercise to release my negative charges. Terence is also another friend who can talk a lot and share with u his knowledge. Law and Terence are both same species. I am glad I knew them through WY, all 3 of them are very sincere and helpful and we can definitely pull each other’s legs without being afraid of hurting anyone.

Met PS, SK and double YL for YL’s b’day celebration today. Went to Esplanade for the sea breeze but…. no sea breeze pun. So dissatisfied. Went to Daorae for Korean food. I am never a fan of Korean food esp the kimchi and the red marinated sauce (I don’t know what it’s called). Can’t blame me since everyone have their own preference right? But ambience was nice and food was actually alright. But if compare Seoul Garden with Daorae I prefer the former. Perhaps when I went to Seoul Garden that’s the first time I tried Korean food and felt excited about it.

Daorae is my 2nd attempt at Korean food and perhaps since I had already known that I will not like kimchi and knowing that Korean food is not my favorite, it might affect my judgment on Daorae as my friends told me it was nice. Anyhow, my vote goes to Seoul Garden. JS suggested KNK near Island Plaza. We promised to try that out during YL b’day next year. Korean food for her b’day each year, haha! Also tried the snow ice in 100 Yen, not bad, smooth and very fine! First time trying as well.

Upcoming plans in May: Balik Pulau trip during Labour Day, Tao for Mother’s Day, Genting trip with Turtles, and lastly SPCA Run. Talk about the run, I need to train my jogging already. This time I only joined 5km run. Wouldn’t want to risk any muscle pain since I am not sure if I have the time to train up onot. My schedule seemed crazy nowadays.

Another month full of activities it seems. And oh, meeting JB as well, finally! After several times of FFK-ing her. I can’t wait for 2011 to end.  I want to know what it feels like to be in 2012, the predicted year for the Apocalypse.

#97 - Do You Think It's That Easy To Work?

24.04.2011

It was already 1am and I am here writing this. That explains how my eye bags are getting bigger and deeper. I had double eye bags a long time ago but perhaps they were hidden under my specs last time. Today during Domo’s b’day celebration, I wore contact lense after about 2 weeks without contact lense. They jz realized I had double eye bags. But I do admit I can’t sleep well for the past few days. Either sleeping late at night or can’t sleep. Can’t help it. Damn tiring! CPS, YSK and KYL asked if I am very stressed at work. I didn’t know how to answer that. Am I stressed? I feel like it but then I didn’t know for sure.

Time flies super fast this week. Blink an eye and it’s already Sat. I didn’t even realize it was Friday 2 days ago. Busy with baking lab and training new guy. I had my EQ tested training him. Perhaps I let him loose for too long. Without proper guidance he might not know what is really expected out of him. Nevertheless, it doesn’t help when u jz teach him and he seemed to be at loss when u queried him about the same thing again.

The first time I realized that, I thought “It’s OK, still new, perhaps don’t know what is expected of him, give him chance la.” But when subsequently also like that, I couldn’t refrain myself from “shooting” him a bit. Gave him a tinker on his current situation.

I admit that he will feel pressured but hey, work is about pressure as well. He is lucky that I am willing to exert some pressure on him. When I was training last time, mine was worse but I carried myself well that time. If I can, why can’t he? Yes, every human has different learning capability, but what stops u from being good? U have all the advises given and u are being spoon-fed, what else would u ask for?

If I didn’t exert any pressure on u, that will indicate that u are hopeless and I couldn’t bother more. Now that u are being hinted, do take action please. I don’t believe u have no question at all. Please ask and please…before u ask, process the question in ur head first, then find ur own answer, if really can’t find, then only come to me. Everyone should learn to think more.

Perhaps I am not a good teacher but at least u must prove ur worth to be taught so that the teacher will teach u full-heartedly. I always told him he is quite lucky, being exposed to so many trainings and given the privilege to travel on flights when some of us used to take bus back then. Boss wanted to let him take bus but I managed to persuade boss to let him take flight. I don’t know whether I am risking my reputation by doing so.

If he is SPM level, I wouldn’t bother much about his performance but he is a university graduate. Even though he is not from local uni I never expect him to perform this badly. He surely didn’t score well with me. I am worried as to how am I supposed to appraise him. Confirm him also die, don’t confirm him also die.

I mean we had already trained him and sent him for some costly trainings, I am just afraid that boss will ‘kira’ with me later on. Nevertheless, I still believe that I should give him another chance. After all, his probation period is 6 months. Perhaps he will be able to take good grasp of his job nature when he started his field work.

But with his current performance, I am quite apprehensive to send him out for the field work. Anyhow, he will be sent to JB for training soon, and part of the training involves field work. Pray hard he can improve from there on. Also hoping to get some feedback from JB counterparts on what they think about him. Then I can verify my own opinion against theirs. Then I wouldn’t doubt my own judgment.

It’s not easy to head a department. It’s a heavy responsibility and because of that I tend to drown myself with responsibility. But most of all, the biggest challenge for me is man power and handling them. I need to improve my EQ but sometimes u can’t help it when ur patience and goodwill is always being put to test.

When I related it to WY the other day, I was pretty emotional and full with expressions as I didn’t had anyone to vent this out to. I may seemed quiet at times but I always feel better when I can vent it out somewhere. And now I am doing it here. I should give chance to others, but that will depend on whether he or she appreciates it onot. If he didn’t take good opportunity out of it, then sorry lah! Take care of urself.

And I always believe in “Don’t always ask what u can do for ur company, instead ask what u can do for the company first.” U may beg to differ but I do believe that one must have a value before being able to demand something from the company. I am learning to gain my value and of course I am lucky to get guidance from my dear seniors. I dono how well or how bad I fare.

That is why I am jealous with my subordinates, they have someone to tell them off when they have done wrong. Someone to point out their weakness. As for me, my senior will inform me some of the mistakes I made but I always had to guess on my own the extent of my mistake, find my own weakness, then try to minimize it or try to improve on it.

People say “great name comes with great responsibility”. I am having ‘great name’ but now I am not sure whether I am worthy enough to get a great name and live to it onot. I must have faith in myself. My target to be Asst. Manager or Manager before 35 years old might not seem too ambitious but at least I think that’s the goal I am able to reach. I have high expectation of myself and will always exert pressure on myself.

Hence, I wouldn’t want to kill myself by setting too high a standard, which will introduce unnecessary pressure to me later on. If I can do it, u can do it too… Will go Bangkok for 3 weeks training in July, equipped with more knowledge to be shared with subordinates and at the time to test my ability to cope up as well. Can’t wait for the days to come!