Depressed?

Am I in a state of depression?

I have been experiencing repetitive bouts of 'down' feeling alternating with 'so so' feeling, only the be plagued by the 'down' feeling again. Told Ms Too today that I don't want to lead anymore. I would like to be led instead.  I am tired of thinking to improve others while I myself didn't do anything for me. I don't want to exert pressure on others anymore. I am tired of all these.

I am tired of my own realization that I am very fierce and unapproachable at work but still don't do much about it. I am tired of frowning at others. I have tried not to but .... I really tried though. Why try so hard to not be me? Why? I think I am better off not dealing with people.

As much as I like to meet new people, I find that I am not suitable to lead others. I can't really set a good example. I think I gained fear more than respect out  of my staff. I don't like it. I mean if my boss is like this, I wouldn't want to approach my boss let alone work with her. Treat others the way you'd like to be treated but.... I really hard you know.

Really frustrated. Sigh! Mood swings like nobody's business nowadays. Motivation comes and goes within a very short time frame. This is not doing good to my reputation or to my mental stability. Sounds serious, using the word 'mental stability' but it is. When you don't feel good about yourself, you lack confidence and doubt yourself.

Time to change environment? Time to do something else? Time to do what? I don't know. Anyone can tell me? I need to excite and motivate myself. I know I have to.



Jokes

Man: Why Najib goes walking in the evening and not in the morning?
Ah Beng: Najib is PM not AM.

Ah Beng bought a new mobile.
He sent a message to everyone from his Phone Book & said
'My mobile number has changed. Earlier it was Nokia 3310, now it is 6610.'

Ah Beng: I am proud because my son is in medical college.
Friend: Really, what is he studying?
Ah Beng: No, he is not studying. They are studying him.

Ah Beng: Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.
Doctor: Take this tablet, you will be OK.
Ah Beng: Can I take tomorrow, tonight is final game.

Ah Beng: If I die, will you remarry?
Wife: No! I will stay with my sister. But if I die will you remarry?
Ah Beng: No, I'll also stay with your sister.

Ah Beng: People consider me as a GOD.
Wife: How do you know?
Ah Beng: When I went to the park today, everybody said, Oh GOD! You have come again.

Ah Beng: Sir, all items are missing, except the TV in my house.
Police: How the thief did not take the TV?
Ah Beng: I was watching TV news.

Ah Beng comes back to his car and find a note saying 'Parking Fine'.
He writes a note and sticks it to the pole 'Thanks for complement'.

How do you recognize Ah Beng in school?
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.

Once Ah Beng was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on other.
So the man asked him why he did so.
He replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.

Ah Beng in a bar and his cellular phone rings.
He picks it up and says 'Hello, how did you know I was here?'

Ah Beng: Why are all these people running?
Man: This is a race, the winner will get the cup.
Ah Beng: If only the winner will get the cup, why are others running?

Teacher: 'I killed a person', convert this sentence into future tense.
Ah Beng: The future tense is 'You will go to jail'.

Ah Beng: Go and water the plants.
Servant: It's already raining.
Ah Beng: So what? Take an umbrella and go.

Is he?

Mom: Is he your Mr Right?

Me: Still don't know. I give myself a year to decide.

Mom:Take your time to decide slowly. No need to rush.

Me: The one year is not for marriage, but to decide to continue or not.

Mom: Important is how you feel.

A very simple but rare conversation but can feel mom's concern. Thanks mom!

What is Happiness?

To me, it's simple. Happiness means whenever I can smile freely, even without any solid reason. Happiness is felt when I don't feel heavy-headed, when I sense peace in my mind. Everyone define happiness differently, but here is a short story to share out:

This story is about a beautiful, expensively dressed lady who complained to her psychiatrist that she felt that her whole life was empty, it had no meaning.

So, the lady went to visit a counsellor to seek out happiness. The counsellor called over the old lady who cleaned the office floors and said to the rich lady,

"I'm going to ask Mary here to tell you how she found happiness. All I want you to do is listen to her."

So the old lady put down her broom and sat on a chair and told her story:

"Well, my husband died of malaria and 3 months later my only son was killed by a car. I had nobody. I had nothing left. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I never smiled at anyone, I even thought of taking my own life. Then one evening a little kitten followed home from work.

Somehow, I felt sorry for that kitten. It was cold outside, so I decided to let the kitten in. I got it some milk, and the kitten licked the plate clean. Then it purred and rubbed against my leg and for the first time in months, I smiled. Then I stopped to think, if helping a little kitten could make me smile, maybe doing something for people could make me happy.

So, the next day I baked some biscuits and took them to a neighbour who was sick in bed. Every day I tried to do something nice for someone. It made me so happy to see them happy. Today I don't know of anybody who sleeps and eats better than I do. I've found happiness by giving it to others."

When she heard that the rich lady cried. She had everything the money could buy, but she had lost the things which can only come from the heart.

I myself like this story a lot. Do you?

I Need A Change, I Want A Change And I Must Change

I feel like life is too mundane, too routine for me. I feel that I am wasting my life. I don't feel special, don't feel like I am doing anything useful. I feel like I am only living as days pass. Hmm... that emptiness within. Might be my lame excuse for not initiating anything. I always read that rather than enying what others do, why not do it yourself?

I don't have the courage. I am a timid turtle. I just don't know. So many things I want to do but dare not do alone. So many things to do without any plan drafted out. So many things I want to say out but no intention to say it out. But these are the few things I want and am going to do.

1. Sleep before 11.30pm and wake up by 7.00am the latest - for healthier complexion.

2. Control food intake. Age is catching up and metabolism is dropping.

3. Strict budget control. Plan huge expenses ahead of time, e.g. travel, house, rewards .

4. Resume reading - fictions, technical, magazines.

5. Exercise regime - badminton, jogging, hiking, cycling. time to learn swimming?

6. Appropriate time management - must adjust and re-prioritize in different circumstances.

7. More quality time with family.

How about my relationship? Honestly, I think I love him. But there are a few reservations just yet. I didn't open up to him fully and as what CMY said, that is being unfair to him. But I feel that he has his own reservations as well, though I might be thinking too much. But I honestly think guys are really very straight forward. From what I gathered from friends, most of the time, if you don't tell them, they won't realize anything.

And he is that kind of guy. Though I think he knows what is happening from my small gestures, just perhaps playing ignorant at times, which is the best thing to do sometimes.

But one thing I must do, that is to reduce time on FB, probably replacing it with some time on TV? Sean shared with me that I must change the 'I want' to 'I am'. A very solid advice. Thanks!



Professional - work and friendship

Professional... this is a very powerful word, at least it is to me in this recent time. I find it very useful especially when handling people at work, be it my superior or my subordinate.

All this while I'd made it clear, that no matter how friendly or how close we are, when it comes to work, it's work. If you should be reprimanded, you will. But as I am a normal human being, at times I do try to avoid this if I can, so yes, you can say that I do practise some favoritism at times.

But during this period, I really can't stand the way a staff works. She is very experienced and I respect her for her willingness to share with us whenever enquired. However, the laidback culture in which she is accustomed to... that's the straw which breaks the camel's back.

I have been handling flour portfolio all this while until early of this year when I was instructed to take care of the feed portfolio and I knew trouble will be brewing then because I can never accept the way Feed Lab works. Too laidback and when there is a seasoned staff there, you should know just how hard it is to change the laidback mindset.

As a supervisor, if I give you a task, I will assume that you should take charge and if you delegate it to your staff, it's your duty to follow up with them and report to me the progress. Instead, I am the one who need to follow up with her from time to time.

There was this one fine day when I couldn't take it anymore and lashed out at her, giving a strong distress signal that she should help me to follow the deadline given. I haven't even go into detail yet. The reason she gave me was too lousy that I didn't even bother to stay longer to listen to her.

But then all hell breaks loose. This staff has very good heart and I treat her like my mom at work. But one thing bad is that she keep things very personal and can be quite small-hearted at times. Which I knew for sure that I will land myself into trouble.

These few days, she didn't bother to talk to me (which is a good thing because she actually concentrated more on her work rather than walk around the lab chatting. On normal days, even with chatting she still did her job, but hey, who are we bluffing right? When you talk while work, surely the efficiency drops somehow) and banged things around the Lab as if the whole world is deaf.

And I having my own ego (and coincidentally it was early of the month, so busying myself with several reports to be done), didn't even bother about that. Seriously she needs to improve her management skill and if you expect me to go and pamper you, sorry! JS told me we should make them feel welcomed, then only they will willingly do the things we want.

I agree with him but sometimes, there is this thing called limit. Once or twice I can keep quiet but it had been repeated over and over again, so...sorry lah! I don't really have a good EQ and I do think that I am being more than good to withstand this. Hey, I mean, where is your respect?

If you can't be professional about it, then suit you. It is always better if you can mingle well with colleagues but if people take work matters personally, then sorry to say that you can have your way and I will have my way. It's a pity that it had to be this way.

That's about subordinate. Talking about superior, there was a time when I felt that he was not doing much to protect his own staff especially when dealing with external parties. There was even some back-stabbing involved. I was clearly disappointed and felt so demotivated. But KK reminded me of this word, PROFESSIONALISM.

It is this word which reminds me not to give up when I felt that my passion, full-hearted effort and motivation got challenged. It is tough when you don't have people to motivate you. Of course I am at fault because I no longer motivate my staff as well. I might not be giving them a very conducive working environment in terms of words of encouragement. No matter what, I need to learn and remind myself to be professional.

Don't ask me what do I mean by professional. But to me, it means business means business, personal means personal. And if a situation renders you to be very calm despite the most turbulent storm, so be it. So define professional in your own term.

Careful With Your Words

King Kong forwarded me this and definitely I like it...

"Careful with your words.

Last night I was sitting in the living room, talking to my wife about life... In between, we talked about the idea of living or dying.

I told her: Darling, never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive, I'd much rather die.

My wife got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards me... and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD, the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the bar and threw away all my whisky, rum, gin, vodka & the beer in the fridge.

I ALMOST DIED!

Morals:

1. Think about what you wish for.

2. The female brain works on a different wavelength from the male's."

So how do you find it? I like it a lot. This explains how much we depended on electronics (forget about the liquor thing because it doesn't apply to almost everyone) and how the wife actually relates this to being a vegetative state, which is true in a way.

There is always a debate on the pros and cons of technology advancement and it is always an endless cycle as we do need it but are we over-relying on it? A point to ponder upon...