I Wish

Things get very much into serious mode nowadays. Can't help it. Been thinking too much I guess. Too free perhaps? Though I don't really see myself as being very free. Lack of motivation.

I can't say that things aren't going smooth for me, yet I can't say the exact opposite. There was an urge for me to change my life, while another part of me asked me to stay put.

Work, relationship, friendship, family, personal, everything... I can't seem to satisfy myself. But I am planning for more changes to come. More sports especially. Hope it can do wonder for me.

I wish to be very busy. I wish that I don't think too much. I wish that I have the courage to change. But a wish is only a wish without action. And I lack that, sigh!

I thrive on stress. When there is no push, I don't feel productive at all. I am not someone with initiative if I don't feel the push. Ya, I will complain of overwork but it's at least much better than now...

Lawyers

A lawyer defending a man in New York accussed of burglary tried this creative defense...

Lawyer: My client merely inserted is arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself and I failed to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb.

Judge: Well put. Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to 5 years imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out...

Moral:
Don't mess with the lawyers. Manipulation is their middle name!

Life Is A Gift

Found this in FB, and this very much suits my situation now. To remember to be grateful, stop complaining and start to do something if I am not satisfied with certain things in my life. Either change it, or embrace it (with a change of mindset). No point being too rigid or stubborn over a matter. No point taking things too seriously.

Today before you think of saying an unkind word,
think of someone who can't speak.

Before you complain about the taste of your food,
think of someone who has nothing to eat.

Before you complain about your husband or wife,
think of someone who is crying out to God for a companion.

Today before you complain about life,
think of someone who went too early to heaven.

Before you complain about your children,
think of someone who desires children but they're barren.

Before you argue about your dirty house, someone didn't clean or sweep,
think of the people who are living in the streets.

Before whining about the distance you drive,
think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet.

And when you are tired and complain about your job,
think of the unemployed, the disabled and those who wished they had your job.

But before you think of pointing the finger or condemning another,
remember that none of us are without sin and we all answer to one maker.

And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down,
put a smile on your face and thank God that you're alive and still around.

Life is a gift ~ Live it, Enjoy it, Celebrate it, and Fulfill it~

It's All On How You Think

Definitely! Why do we complain often about our lives? Because we compare ourselves with others. Because we want to follow the norm of society. Because we are looking to satisfy our material needs rather than our internal needs. Because we prefer to change ourselves in order to blend in rather than being different.

No matter which category we belong to, our satisfaction can be easily derived from our very own mindset. If you set your mind to do it, you can and will find way to do it. If you are not so keen, then you will procrastinate.

Why do people say it starts to get boring after 5 years working? It can't be that you are doing the same job over and over again throughout these years as there are bound to be challenges and unforeseen changes, especially in terms of responsibility. It's all in the mindset.

When we see that our friends are working up the corporate ladder with great remuneration while we stay the same, we feel that our work is mundane, that we are underpaid, etc. But did we ask if we did anything to revive our passion in work? Did we ask if we did anything which really stands out in company's view?

That was my dilemma recently. I started to find myself being stagnant at work. No longer as eager and passionate as I used to be. Just settling anything that seemed urgent enough to address. Well, you can't blame anyone if you have a lousy boss who can't motivate you and whatnot.

But you can tell yourself to do the best because the best preparation for the future is to do the best in the present. Like me, I suddenly realized that if I really want to do my job well, I have loads of mini improvement projects to initiate for my certification system and for my own personal technical development.

The question lies in: Want or don't want to do?

The problem comes when the things that we initiate are done voluntarily, no reward or pushing from management. Hard to push things through as other department don't see the value in it. But can it still be done? Can. Just that people won't like you enough to do it well for you. Their standard is: do the bare minimum. That's where you don't feel like working hard anymore.

I told my staff the other day, I am not sure if I should change job or not. Started to lose passion. But few days later, I had this self-realization, that's all my excuses only. Of course it will be better if you have a supportive management to make things easier for you. But if you don't have, then it serves as a challenge to you to prove yourself worthy.

At least that's what I thought. I have been through that. Being the only eager ones to do some improvement, sometimes to the point of being too idealistic and too pushy, that I am certainly not a favorite colleague. Come to think of it, why must I put myself in such a position?

I should foster a harmonious working relationship instead. Then people won't hesitate to co-operate. A bit too late to realize this isn't it? Anyhow, I hope I can do better in my current work. No longer thinking of leaving, instead work harder so that when opportunity comes, I am ready for it.

Absence and Out of Sight

Out of sight out of mind... Absence makes the heart grows fonder... These two brings totally opposite consequence despite it being derived from separation or lesser contact. These applies to relationship, friendship and kinship.

Relationship...

This clearly suits the 'cooling off period' often heard in relationship. People often associate 'cooling off period' (COP) with breaking up. Actually it need not be that way. It simply means giving each other some space to review their relationship... whether this is what they want, whether they want to continue it because they really want to or because they had to or because they are used to it.

During this COP, usually there shouldn't be any contact at all, but still it depends on the couple itself. Yes, some do take COP as an excuse to gradually break up, for fear of hurting the partner or wouldn't want to appear too cold-blooded in ending a relationship. But please also bear in mind that although COP always follow after a heated argument or disagreement, that is not always the case. It may be used to review the status of a relationship.

If you are missing each other badly throughout the duration, then it might mean that you do want this to work out and hence you will find ways to patch up any serious problems. But if you only miss each other initially and later on think nothing much of it anymore, then it might be spelling something you have been ignoring all this while. And you totally think nothing of it, then break-up is the inevitable solution.

And of course usually if there is no storm looming ahead, the partner will get caught off guard when the other half requests for a COP. Might even be suspecting that something is amiss although nothing much is at fault. The requester might just realised that they don't really belong to the same world or would like the other half to seriously think of the future of them being together, without wasting anyone's time.

Friendship...

Most people like to keep in touch with their close friends. But as time and commitment grows, your circle of friends changes and may be even smaller. Those whom you are diligently in touch with, you will feel closer to them because you get constant updates of each other. Those whom you seldom contact, sometimes you never even bother to keep their contact numbers anymore.

There are some who will crop up in the back of your mind occasionally, making you remembering the sweet or bad moments together and whatnot. Yes, keeping in touch with friends via social media is made easy with the easy access to Internet but it's not the same as face-to-face catch up. Every once in a while, you have a gathering to catch up with each other and feel good knowing that everyone is faring well.

But how long can this continue? Not everyone can do that and the lesser contact you have, the lesser topic you have in common to talk about, especially if you are from totally different fields. It does makes me sad that I seemed to be too eager to keep in touch with everyone as if I am so free. Everyone else has moved on. Why on earth should I bother to ask for everyone's well-being when no one really cares?

Because I care? But do I really need to spread my care and attention everywhere? Feels like no point. I might as well concentrate it on my family members. Nevertheless, no matter what, no one can be a one man's island. We still need friends at different junctures of life, be it for companion, for help or for entertainment. So no matter how busy or how free we are, we should always try to keep in touch occasionally.

Kinship...

I used to be very close with my cousins when we were small because we were about the same age. We used to play and fight together during school holidays because we would be spending times together. But as we grow up, we rarely see each other and only get to know each others updates from our parents. Even that is getting lesser and lesser nowadays.

It feels awkward seeing them after like... 4-5 years during CNY or major festive season. I, for one fall into that category. Don't really know what to speak about and I admit that I am not very sociable. Trying to put up some masks, brave front and thickened face to pretend that you are still close with each other... doesn't fare too well with me. Maybe it's only me because I noticed that the rest still acts normal and chat leisurely.

But if you are still very close despite all those times which you haven't met each other, then it's actually very fun to gather and catch up. It feels as though everyone hasn't really changed much. Those teasing, updates, etc really makes you look forward to the gathering a lot. I wish I fall into this category. Too bad I am not. I am afraid of family gatherings at times because I felt so much like a stranger or don't know how to stir up a comfortable conversation, more like just a superficial talk.

I am quite introvert at times although some friends might think that I am sociable. To be honest, I am not. Well, I am only chatty with people whom I am close and in constant contact with. If I meet new friend, unless he or she is very chatty or look interesting, most likely there will be some uncomfortable silence. Unless I felt obliged to break the ice, which makes people think that I am sociable.

In truth, I am not. I need few more meetings with these new friends before I can get very comfortable with them, unless if I feel that we are of the same type. Which makes me very nervous and scared to attend those meetings, seminars, parties or gatherings. Like I said, just put up a mask and pretend to be friendly. But if I look closer, actually everyone is equally nervous but friendly. We just need someone to break the ice first.

So if we found someone with whom we actually feel comfortable with, be it your partner, friend or family members, do appreciate them because you won't know if they will stay or when the next one will appear. Not easy to find someone with similar pattern as yours. It is just so sad that I am no longer in close contact with several friends because it seems that only I care and stayed stagnant while they had actually moved on. Well, if anything is of comfort, nothing lasts forever...

Office

I always complain that I am not good in inter personnel relationships but didn't do anything about it. I said I must smile more but I also didn't do much about it. I am only good in complaining without any solid action to counter them. I am too cold-blooded when it comes to work. To me, work comes first instead of friendship. I get things done first, that's my goal.

So when I was approached when I was in the middle of something, my reply would be super short. A simple 'Yes' or 'No' without any explanation given on the decision. Unless you dare to ask for an explanation. I have no problem to explain but still it will be short. When you don't understand, you ask. If you don't ask, I assume you understand. Bad habits die hard. And I admit I don't bother to check what was the reason behind the request. Which landed me in a big conflict with one of my staff, T recently.

T is a mom very much devoted to her family and is very particular in spring cleaning the house for CNY. So T will spend much longer time than the rest of us for spring cleaning. On Sunday, T had already asked for an emergency leave (meaning it's less than minimum 3 days required to take leave) on Monday, citing prayers as the reason. I don't really like last minute arrangement like that but I consented to it.

On Thursday of the same week, T requested for a leave the next day because she couldn't finish spring cleaning her house on time. CNY was on Sunday. I was busy that time and I straight away said, 'Har? Again? This time, No!' End of story. I admit that I shouldn't be that harsh and should consider my staff's feeling. If I had replied in a much better way, perhaps thing will be much different.

When I talked to JS the next night, I realised that human management should be done subtly. It is true that how you react to a situation determines whether it's a happy ending or a sad ending. I will stand firm to my decision not to allow it but then if only I cared to explain properly, things would be different. She might still be dissatisfied but at least won't be too upset over it.

I need to answer to my other staffs. Whenever they took emergency leaves without strong reason, I will tell them off so how could I grant this one? This is about time management. You should have known to arrange your time and you have your family members to help out. If you don't want to bother them to help, then it's not really my problem too isn't it? Yes, I am single so I won't know much about family but hey, I also need to help spring cleaning OK?

T was my close friend back when I was alone manning the Lab, with Technicians but no Assistants yet. I would do my work whole day but when I was stressed, I would stop and talked and complained to her, just to vent out my dissatisfaction. I very much appreciated her support but that had also put me into a very hard position. It's hard to tick someone off when you are close with her. Really hard. T is a very good friend, but not a good staff, not to my standard at least. Very experienced but working attitude is only average.

Why would I say that? Immediately when I said No, she turned a sour face (understandable), walked out and started to bang things here and there (unacceptable). I really felt like walking out to her and asked her to leave the Lab if she is so dissatisfied, go and complain to the boss and whatnot. But I know it's better to leave the things as it is since T is not someone who can take reprimand at that point. I was disappointed that she couldn't be more professional about it. Partly I was to be blamed since I didn't explain properly to her. My bad, because I am lazy to explain things to people.

But why on earth would you affect everyone's mood in the Lab? Do you think we can concentrate on our work when you banged things the whole day? Towards the end of the day, I asked my assistant, A to grant her the leave. A tried calling and SMSed her since T was off duty already but there was no reply. A even asked K to contact T. I purposely didn't want to grant T the leave when T was still in the Lab.

I wanted T to consider her own actions. Whether she thinks that she is right is up to her. But I would like her to think, what's the point of affecting everyone's mood when you can make things much better? I doubt she will think so. The next day, she still turned up for work. I guessed K and I were surprised but didn't say much about it. Fine, if you rejected the offer, suit you. I have nothing to lose. The banging continued and T talked loudly, purposely to let me hear: "They are single, so it's different, how on earth would they understand?"

T is lucky that I treat her as a senior and a friend. Otherwise I would really confront her face-to face and thing would turn ugly. To me it's simple. If I still care for you as friend, I can bite my tongue and stay put. If I no longer bother about you, then it's sayonara. You are as good as transparent in my life. That's the case with T now. I don't know if we will still be on talking term anytime soon but what I know is I won't break the ice first. Nor will I intend to get too close with her anymore. Too bad I had to lose this dear friend.

I mean it's not just unprofessional. You are being disrespectful also. If you have lose respect for me, I don't have to show my respect to you as well. Work will be easier. I ask you to do something, you do it. I had even approached my boss to allow A to head T because I totally gave up. End up, I cried in front of boss. Damn embarrassing. Too emotional, couldn't contain my frustration. Usually I won't talk when it's just happened. But since one day had passed, I thought I can do better. Proven that I was wrong.

Boss was shocked I supposed. But hey, I am still a normal human being, a young one too. I still had a lot to learn. First thing, improve how I talk, how I manage people. But... I don't like to talk a lot. I talk short. Explain short. Smile short. Everything requiring verbal or facial communication... short. The only thing long will be in written form, like now. How on earth am I going to improve, is still yet to be seen. Why change myself when I am comfortable in my own world? Yucks, I don't like to manage people at all, honestly.

I have my fair share of weaknesses. Everyone does. To change it to strength or to maintain it as weakness, only we can decide for our own self.

I Need And Must Change

My emotion goes up and down like a roller coaster recently. I couldn't really explain it myself, blaming it on PMS (pre-menstrual symptom) at first. Then only I realise that hey, it's not just happening during those period. Furthermore, my menstruation period was no longer as timely as before. For the past 3 months, it's about 4-5 days later. It had been awhile I haven't experienced such delay.

Which brings me to wonder if all these had anything to do with my emotional health. I am getting more and more negative despite me posting those motivational stuffs on FB. I think I am having too much leisure time now that I didn't get involved in too much of activities anymore, in order to curb unnecessary spending. But then, if I can save up some money but ended up having an emotional storm within, it's not really healthy isn't it? So back to more activities?

It had been awhile I haven't hike and jog. The only physical activity I am maintaining now is badminton due to the monthly court booking. It's high time I resume my sports activity. Hopefully I will get to balance my internal imbalance. Otherwise, JS, my family and those around me are going to suffer really a lot from my emotional ups and downs. And oh, I am resuming yoga next month. I had even bought yoga mat. The only thing left to buy is pants.

I was thinking whether to change from Maxis to Digi or remain the same. In the end, decided to go for Digi, give it a try since there is no contract period. Maxis line wasn't stable back in my Kulim house so hopefully Digi won't disappoint me. The whole family will be officially Digi user since bro, mom and I will take supplementary accounts under my sister. 100 hours free call, 3800 free SMS among the principal and supplementary lines.

Also looking into changing into smart phone. It's really an impulsive decision as I initially decided to buy it only after 2 years, after my intended LASIK eye surgery (I need 2 years to save up for the amount needed). Just out of nowhere, I decided to buy smart phone. Couldn't withstand the temptation that everyone is owning one, I guess. Going for LG Nexus 4, a quad-core smart phone. Not taking data plan yet, will be using house wifi if I want to go online for the moment.

I also had the urge to move back home. Still contemplating on this one. Been moving here and there pretty often nowadays. Well, if I move back home, I will have more time at home but I doubt I will be contributing to much housework. Bad side is that I will be spending more time going online and even lesser time reading. And longer travelling time to work of course. Might get too tiring since I want to resume my yoga and jogging sessions on weekdays. Weekend is reserved for hiking. So KIV for this for the moment.

I get bored very fast, in fact too fast nowadays. Even for work, I don't find much purpose currently. I need a kick, an excitement or a new project to get myself standing back up again. Should I change job? If change, where to? There wasn't many big established food companies in this area. Just an excuse perhaps? The notion of changing to new environment does sound scary to me. Too comfortable to leave? Most likely yes.

But if I can't find my own motivation soon enough, I won't be having enough motivation to lead my staff. Then it won't be good for the whole department. When you don't have the satisfaction, you won't be wanting to stay. At least, that's for my case. My JB superior is sensing this and she is asking me to go down to JB during my staff's training there. Maybe she wants to hear my thoughts or she wants to advise me or something.

I admit that I am not a good leader. I am too emotional and had too many occasional mood swings. But I like to share with my staff. Whatever I know, they should know, provided that it is not confidential of course. Been giving them lesser pressure nowadays because I am still searching for my kick. I always envy them because they have someone above them to constantly push them to do things.

I sometimes wonder whether I should be sitting in this position. I sometimes would rather be guided rather than being the one who guides. The occasional reprimands, the occasional pressures, the piling workloads... I miss those moments. I know that if I were in those situations, I will be complaining like hell. But at least, I get myself occupied, unlike now. I am just creating excuses for myself, I know that.

Well, it is not too late to slowly pick up my steps again. Let's see how long can I remain determined this time. Procrastination has to go for now! Shooh... go away!

Your Inner Health Being

I find this really inspiring.

Nowadays everyone is busying themselves,

be it for entertainment, family, work, or some other commitments.

We always say 'review your life', 'change job' etc without checking our inner health.

These are the stuffs we need to review.

 In order to achieve an acceptable and liveable life,

all these should be kept in check from time to time.



Jumbled Posts

#1
You dodged.
Not unexpected but somehow still disappointed.
Hoping for too much.
Timing wasn't right anyway.
Too late or shall I say too early?
What else to expect.

Now I know why I can't do it with you.
It's your response or lack of response.
Time and again, despite my effort, I still have grudges.
Somehow I can feel the end.
The first and the last maybe?
I have been bottling it for so long.
Yet to be released out.
Timing...

#2
He is working hard to re-assemble his life.
The crushed heart.
New career.
Having to leave behind sports due to past injuries.
I wish him all the best.
Good to know that he realized that he is no longer young.

#3
Sorry, too harsh on you.
But purely kind intention to help.
Everyone faces some kind of problem somehow.
Advising you makes me wonder what am I doing instead.
It allows me to review my own self.

You are ambitious, not a bad thing.
But you need to be practical.
You will learn it as you work longer.
Experience doesn't come without a price.
There is a saying:
Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.
There you go...

I should learn from you.
Eager for changes.
But you need to work harder instead of just think.
Like Nike says it, Just Do It.
I should relive my passion too.
Make my work more exciting.
No self-triggered challenge equals to boring.

#4
The remaining resolution still remains untouched.
But I am working towards it.
Been reminding myself.
I just need to push my lazy bum off the floor.
N.e.e.d. t.o. move it move it,
N.e.e.d. t.o. shake it shake it.
2013, do be good to those who deserve it?
Happy CNY!