Sweet Stuff

Timing. Just when I decided to stop greeting him every morning and night (it had lasted for only a week, I think. I do admit I am the 'hangat hangat tahi ayam' type), dear emailed a very sweet email. Warmed my heart. No sugar-coated words but words describing his true feelings. With a touch of humour, just my type.

I like this kind of dear. Being more positive and expressing his feelings. He seldom does that. The video must have done wonder to him. It was almost an hour long, I was too tired and dozed off halfway through the video. Will watch on weekend then.

Towards the end of the email, I was practically beaming wide with smile. It did came as a surprise to me. First, he seldom emails me. Second, his replies will be very short. Unless if he had some confession or sharing to make, then it will be like this email lah, never fail to make me smile.

When we meet up, we rarely have a heart-to-heart talk. I mean those requiring undivided attention and focus from both parties. We both suck at that. Mostly just a random topic. I wonder why. But I do know one thing, I must not over-think otherwise I will not be happy.

With that, I hope I can do that.

Listen Up

LISTEN UP!

A new survey reveals the secret to a happy relationship

By Chrisanna Northup, Pepper Schwartz and James Witte from The Normal Bar with contributions from Reader’s Digest Editors

Results of an online global survey to discover what people do in important aspects of their relationships have been revealed in a new book, The Normal Bar. More than 70,000 people from around the world completed an average of 100 questions. By grouping the responses, the authors gained insights into what’s normal for the survey-takers, and how their results compare to others. Read on to learn more.

Roxana, 37, and Constantin, 33,  both from Bucharest, Romania, have been married for ten years and have one child, a boy aged seven. “We talk about anything and everything,” says Roxana, “be it about the child, family, money, work, sex.” They check in with each other during their busy workdays. Says Constantin, “I make time to send her a text message or an email to ask how she is.”

Such easy, frequent communication paves the way for their successful marriage, they both claim.

The global survey results showed exactly that point. When we asked people to name the most fulfilling thing about their relationships, communication was top of the list. The team found that both sexes said communication was the thing they valued most – and people in unhappy relationships said it was the No. 1 thing they were lacking. These results indicate that communication is a big deal, and this is true worldwide. Respondents in almost every country surveyed said that communication was their biggest relationship issue. Only the French disagreed, putting affection first, communication second.

We all need to be not only heard, but also understood. We all need someone with whom it’s safe, fun and meaningful to talk to – and someone who we can trust to give us honest but also compassionate feedback, who will listen and really “get” us, and vice versa.

Many couples have work to do, however, before they can achieve this kind of communication bliss. When homemaker Sandra, 39, from the Netherlands noticed that her husband, John, 40, a financial advisor, talked less and less, preferring to watch television or check his email even while she talked to him, it really annoyed her. “Whenever I told him something he seemed completely oblivious to it.” She knew there was something wrong at work, but he wouldn’t say much about it.

Last year she suggested they seek help, and they agreed. Only when they went to a marriage counselor did Sandra learned that her entrepreneur husband had been hit hard by the global economic crisis.

Says John, “I always tried to shield Sandra from my business worries. I never realized that that in itself frustrated her. Now I always tell her what is bothering me. Our relationship has improved immensely.”

Says Sandra, “I’m really glad we took the step to seek help.”

It’s not just about swapping information but about coming to terms with each other, finding common ground. As Oleg, a marketer in Moscow married to Maria, a fashion designer, for nine years, says: “Do we have quarrels? Well, yes, though it does not happen as often now as before. You know, we figured out some rules: everyone has his own voice; we search for a conclusion to satisfy both of us.”

Communication between partners is the gateway not only to important emotions but also to physical compatibility. If you want something more – or less - from your partner, then you need to feel free to express that desire, and you need for the message to be accurately received.

Who communicates best, men or women? You might think it would be women. It’s really too close to call, especially because so many people think they communicate well. For example, more than 90% of both men and women who completed the poll rated themselves as good to great communicators. But when we asked women if they consider their partners to be good communicators, about one out of three said no way! And one out of four men said that they are very dissatisfied with their partners’ communication skills.

Couple communication is complex and involves physical, emotional and verbal cues that many of us have difficulty sending and receiving. Here are six tools to help you learn how to communicate better and create your own “new normal”.

1 High Five
The High Five has the power to dramatically change the quality of your communication and can bring harmony even to troubled couples. First step: settle down together in a quiet, comfortable room where you won’t be disturbed. Agree to listen with full attention and not interrupt. Step two is learning, understanding and respecting what your partner needs in order to be happy. Each of you should think of the top five activities, passions or interests that you individually require to be happy – not including each other or children. Share your list with your partner and talk about it. These lists are non-negotiable – you can’t negotiate what makes an individual happy.

In step three, each of you writes down and prioritises the top five things your partner could do to make you happier. Describe your No.1 request to each other. Without arguing or criticism, negotiate a deal through trade-offs or compromise that will honour and meet the other’s request. Follow the steps for each of the other four requests on each list.

Sounds easy? It is. And it’s also surprisingly effective, as long as you speak and listen carefully, negotiate honestly and make a real effort to reach and honour a mutual agreement.

2 Listen and don’t speak
The easiest communication tool is to listen to what your partner says. This may sound simple, but listening well requires focus and openness. One of the main complaints of both men and women is that they never have their partner’s undivided attention. If the other isn’t listening, how can you tell if you’ve been heard?

One corrective model is the Imago therapeutic method, which slows down conversation and ramps up communication. It includes an exercise in which one person speaks his or her mind and the other partner listens. Then the listener recaps what he or she has heard. This is either ratified or corrected by the speaker. Once both partners agree the message has been correctly heard (the content of the message doesn’t have to be agreed with), the listener gets to speak. This goes back and forth, giving each person a chance to speak and listen well.

The Imago method worked for Hungarian couple Martha and Zoltan, who have been married for 18 years. One of their problems was that Zoltan, manager at a big company, felt he could not talk about his job issues at home, so he closer to a young woman in the office who always listened to him. This led to an affair.

To try to save their marriage, they visited a therapist, who guided the couple in the Imago method. After a couple of months using this tool, they were able to listen to each other and talk honestly. Now the couple plan their day to have time to talk with each other. “We learnt our lesson,” says Martha. “We must hear and understand properly what the other one wants to say.”

3 An inviolable talk time
Make a daily date to really talk. Any time of day will do. If you both wake up early, talk in bed or over coffee. If you can unwind together – just the two of you – after work or after dinner and if you make that your daily ritual, it will serve your relationship well. The point is to reserve time each day to share your thoughts, experiences and feelings.

Jeanne and Pascal, a French couple in their 50s who have been together for ten years, make breakfast their talk time, before Pascal leaves for work. They also go for walks together a lot. “There’s always a time that we talk – it’s important,” says Jeanne. “When I feel we’ve lost contact with each other, I tell him. It happens when we’re both working especially hard.”

4 Don’t just think it – say it
Another simple communication tip: when you think about something positive, don’t over-analyse it or hold back. Instead, share it with your partner. If you think he or she just said something smart or touching, say so. Sharing your thoughts with each other will almost always promote a better emotional connection.

5 Time-out avoids saying or doing hurtful thing
Your mother may have told you to “never go to bed angry”, but when it comes to your relationship, that’s not always the best advice. It’s often more constructive to let your feelings cool down before you talk than to address the problem right away. Make an appointment to talk the next day, and don’t speak until then. After this break, you’ll be less likely to yell at each other or be defensive or cutting.

6 Stop the madness: consider counseling
To break the negative cycle that’s been allowed to seem normal, stop reinforcing negative behaviour.  But what if you’re already down at the bottom of the spiral? If communication has become excruciating and counterproductive, then you need a third party to help you work through this.

      Mariana, 29, a teacher at a Bucharest school, had been married for eight years o Bogdan, 31, a mechanical engineer. After dinner each night, Bogdan worked on his computer. Mariana, on the other hand, wished they could do something together. Every attempt at dialogue ended the same way, in an argument.

      The couple was on the brink of divorce when they began seeing a marriage counselor at the end of 2010. Slowly, they began to talk to each other, and became more open and willing to share their interests and desires. Says their psychologist, Roxana Olaru, “You could see that they both wanted to save their relationship.”

      Over ten months, Mariana learned to be less critical and Bogdan to talk about what he thinks and feels, and they have remained a couple.

      Find a good relationship counselor or marriage therapist. Nobody wants to live with a normal that is joyless, hurtful and depressing, especially when a new and better normal is within relatively easy reach.

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To see how your relationship compares to others, The Normal bar interactive survey is still available at its website, normalbar.com. The survey covers specific areas, such as money, family, communication, sex, affection, love/romance and trust/infidelity.

Talk About Finance

Today I feel very 'ummphed', after realising that I was very unproductive for the past few days at work. Of course I do handle those works requiring immediate and urgent attention but that's just about it. Well, my discipline is still very slack, not doing what I planned to do 50% of the time but I am working to keep track of my progress.

It was pay day yesterday, and I quickly settled off all my commitments for the month, for fear that I spend my money elsewhere. End up, I have only RM100 left for June expenses. Ya, definitely cannot survive. Will need to use my FD savings to cover it and practise prudent savings for the next few months to cover back that sum. Luckily no more wedding dinners to attend until Dec. But I have Cambodia trip coming up this mid June. Ah, my long awaited Angkor Wat, here I come!

Why the dire financial situation? Blame my lack of monitoring on my expenses. Especially since I commit to the haircare treatment to treat my serious dandruff and hair fall problem. It was an additional RM500 for my monthly commitment. Talk about taking advantage of the 0% balance transfer offered by Std Chtd for 6 months. My initial intention was to take the 12 months instalment with 7% interest p.a.

I charged the full sum to my CIMB credit card, thinking that the 'convert into monthly instalment' thing is all year long thing. So I was shocked when I heard that CIMB was not having that promotion currently. Moral of the story, always call up your cc company before you charge a huge sum if you want to convert it into instalments. Hence, I called up UOB and Std Chtd to compare the interest rates for balance transfer. Std Chtd charged lower. So I called up Std Chtd again to enquire on credit card cancellation and balance transfer.

Why I have two Std Chtd credit cards? Because a Std Chtd personnel called me up to offer the cards. I wasn't interested but she told me there would be RM200 cash back per card. And 2 years waiver of annual fees. So I have a total of RM400 cash back (2 cards) and after deducting the RM100 government tax (2 cards), I still have a free RM300 to spend. Just don't cancel the cards within 6 months or else she won't get the commission. So the cheapskate me agreed and I had a 1.5months of free petrol. And I didn't use the credit cards thereafter. They were safely kept in my room.

Yup, I have a CIMB cc, my first card, for points collection. Then a UOB cc for rebates. And now 2 Std Chtd cards. So total 4. And nope, I don't simply charge my cards, except before CNY. I want to cancel one Std Chtd card because I wouldn't want to pay an additional government tax for a card I am not using. I need to keep one because I want the cheaper interest rate for balance transfer. But the Std Chtd staff were so kind as to offer me RM100 cash back per card to keep both cards. And offered me 0% balance transfer for 6 months instalment. I did read somewhere that whenever a customer cancels a credit card, it actually incurs loss to the bank because it is not cheap to produce a card.

I did feel bad for using Std Chtd cash back without charging much to the cards. And there are freebies some more. So... What the heck, just go for it. And here I am, diligently paying off all the commitments first using interbank giro transfer. It is so convenient now that it is only RM0.10 transaction charge to other banks. Last time I used to withdraw the cash and deposit manually into each individual bank. What to do, need to save up the RM2 fee since I have commitments with different banks. Luckily those banks were situated close to each other and are located along my way home.

Talk about financial management eh. M.U.S.T. monitor and analyse my expenses again. But until then, I need to spend prudently and frugally until Dec. Then, I am a free lady again. But my LG Nexus 4 will have to wait. I don't think I want to add another RM100++ monthly commitment, at least not until I settle my Std Chtd balance transfer first. I don't like having too much debts at one go, at least not those which will suffocate me. Well, lesser or more economical outing for me then!

Experience

I agree that as you grow, your priorities change. You see, think and feel differently. As your sharp edges become round, you feel the wisdom of life. You couldn't deny the unseen wisdom of the elderlies. It is called experience.

Good or bad, there is always two sides to a coin. Reflect on each experience and you will discover a wisdom hidden somewhere, waiting to be exposed. I always respect the elderlies because they are very knowledgeable, even if they are only cleaners.

Their wisdom far supercedes our intelligence because theirs were obtained practically from daily lives while ours were obtained through books which were nice as theory but need adaptions in order to be absorbed into daily lives. Both wisdom and knowledge makes a powerful man.

When young (I still am), I am more bound to be emotional, and makes rash decisions. I still am. I am still hoping that I can maintain a calm composure when something unexpected happened. So far, I am still being very anxious with the emotions clearly written on my face.

I am expressive. Too expressive. Not good in working organisation. One must learn to conceal true emotions especially when it is deemed as harsh, insulting, disgusting or easier to be said, negative. Display it when you are happy but hide it when you are not. Very true.

My problem is that I display everything, from happy, excited, angry, anxious, sad etc. I couldn't hide a thing from others. Learn to conceal? Wish to but the harder I forced myself to that, the more pretensive I become. So what the heck, just be real. But must still learn to wear mask. M.U.S.T.

Just like how I was easily affected by FB postings on elections. My emotion got the better of me, enough to shut down my rational mind, enough to blindly believe all those posts and sharing it on FB. And without me realising it, I was being manipulated and I was one of those spreading rumors without verifying its source.

Humans are so easily manipulated when emotions come into play. Hence, successful leaders are always good in catching your emotions. They can read you and manipulate you in no time, without you realising it. So, for people as straight and blunt as me, prudence is the key.

Must give time to think rationally before pouring out whatever emotions you feel. Better than lashing out like mad dog, just to regret it later.

Control of emotion

Just interviewed someone for internal audit, as team member not team leader though. I can feel that his words were against me at certain point. I might be over-sensitive but I think my hunch was right.

But I also noticed one thing: that I couldn't care less and instead I just kept quiet and listened. Well, to be honest, I did care. If not, I wouldn't have posted this. I almost got out of control but I am glad that I listened although I did talk back a bit. Bad habits die hard.

It reminds me why I would want to leave in the first place. I guess he was tired himself as well. It makes me think, why on earth would I want to trouble myself and others when no one cares? But if this attitude continues, it is quite detrimental.

The system might rot. Well, it shows that I am not doing good enough to maintain good terms with everyone. I am learning very hard to listen more than talk. It is very hard for me. But I must do it. If I want to survive.

I also realised that the other he is not really the companion I would want to talk to in this situation. Yes, I have the urge to tell him everything but the response.... it doesn't makes me feel like saying more afterwards. Disappointing, though my timing might be off again. 

Seriously, I think I will be brave enough to make the decision to start anew all over again, be it work or personal. But will I regret? I don't know. CMY, if you are reading this... were you able to guess what I am talking about?

Bossy

Seriously, I think one more moment and I am going to go crazy. My anger management is so bad currently. I get angry very easily at the slightest signs of irritation. Oh gosh, was it because my menstruation period is somewhere around the corner? Speaking of which, it was late this month, very late if compared with normal trend.

I can't wait leaving this place. Not that I hate here. I just couldn't stand myself being so bossy. Being so... annoying and intolerable. I wouldn't want to be working under me if I were my staff. I get tensed up very easily. And I make others around me stressed up as well.

Which explains why I prefer to stay couped up in my room most of the time. To prevent myself from lashing out at others. The way one talks really made a big difference. When spoken softly, a reprimand can sound like a genuine and sincere advice. When conveyed harshly, a genuine and sincere advice could be mistaken as reprimand.

I am being harsher and harsher as days go by. I guess me leaving this place will be the best for everyone. They can get more relaxed and works get done more easily. No more the fussy comments and evaluations. Well, since decided to leave, better prepare myself to let go more and more things. Easier to be said than done.

I want to listen more than talk. I want to be more soft-spoken than harsh and bossy. Want is just a want if no actions are taken. But the blood boils too fast, even before the heart managed to soothe the brain to warn the mouth not to be so harsh. Cool, steady, cool, steady, deep breath please.... sigh!

Wisdom Learnt From Robbery

Recently, I came across a very interesting article in FB, and hence would like to share it here. Don't get me wrong, I am not condoning any robbery act. This story just reminds me that you can learn from everything that happens in life. It was quite funny as well.

<start of excerpt>

There was this robbery in Guangzhou, the robber shouted to everyone: "All don't move, money belongs to the state, life belongs to you". Everyone in the bank laid down quietly.  

>This is called "Mind Changing Concept --> Changing the conventional way of thinking".

One lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her "Please be civilised! This is a robbery and not a rape!"  

>This is called "Being Professional --> Focus only on what you are trained to do!"

When the robbers got back, the younger robber (MBA trained) told the older robber (who in only primary school educated), "Big bro, let's count how much we got", the older robber rebutted and said, "You very stupid, so much money, how to count, tonight TV will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!" 

>This is called "Experience --> nowadays experience is more important than paper qualifications!"

After the robbers left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly.  The supervisor says "Wait, wait wait, let's put the 5 million RMB we embezzled into the amount the robbers robbed".  

>This is called "Swim with the tide --> converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!"

The supervisor says "It will be good if there is a robbery every month".  

>This is called "Killing Boredom --> Happiness is most important."

The next day, TV news reported that 100 million RMB was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count 20 million RMB.  The robbers were very angry and complained "We risked our lives and only took 20 million RMB, the bank manager took 80 million RMB with a snap of his fingers.  It looks like it is better to be educated to be a thief!"  

>This is called "Knowledge is worth as much as gold !"

The bank manager was smiling and happy because his loss in the CINOPEC shares are now covered by this robbery.  

>This is called "Seizing the opportunity --> daring to take risks!"

<end of excerpt>