#106 - What Really Happened

28.05.2011

I had a major decision-making and had practically suffered within the 6 days given. Couldn’t even concentrate much on work. Enough said, I had decided and would like to try out the new path, but in the end I backed out. Most of them were caught by surprise. But then, if it were not for certain people, I would definitely go for it. Somehow usually when u make a decision, u would be quite certain. But this time, I felt very uneasy. Something inside me was shouting for me to reconsider.

I felt tremendous pressure just the night before and had practically broken down. Called mom and consulted her. This is the first time I confided in her. Usually I solve things my own way. I am glad I did. She consoled me and told me that not all will be lost if I don’t take the path offered. I agreed but what she said next made me realize a thing. I do need some faith to reassure my decision. 人算不如天算. Mom said she will go to temple to pray for hints.

I did once before and the outcome was negative but I decided to go for it anyway. The night mom told me that, I was actually hoping for the hint to be negative. But if it was positive, I was all prepared to take up the path. After crying badly, I was practically tired with eyes swollen and went to sleep. The next morning, mom called and said the hint was negative again. I suddenly felt relieved. Some of u must be very surprised that I had actually resorted to this way to determine a major change of pathway in my life, I couldn’t care less. I am still a normal human being.

Some thought I am afraid of the new environment. But let me say this, usually once I had decided, I will go all out even if it means that I am not fully prepared and slightly doubtful. There is more to this decision. The timing wasn’t really right and I realized that there is a soft spot in my heart. I realized that I do like what I am having now. Being someone who likes sports, one would have known that I prefer to have a balanced life. Yes, no pain no gain…but I think I can forego this for this round.

The opportunity might not come the second time but this is one chance which I am willing to LET GO. I actually believed that I gained more as I learn to appreciate the things and the people around me. I realized that I am likeable after all. The one reaction which caught me by surprise was by TSL. She practically advised me not to go for it, whereas almost everyone before her of whom I had consulted actually encouraged me. I will always remember that moment.

I thank God for the enlightenment. Somehow I had the feeling that God is trying to convey a message to me. Perhaps I had been neglecting those around me. But now no more, I do hope that I will always remember this lesson. I don’t have much regret for not taking the path offered. Instead, I felt honored to be the Chosen One. Not that they have much choice. I was the only ONE available at that particular time anyway. Thanks again, God! May is the month where I first step my foot into a temple since the beginning of 2011. I think I had restored some faith in religion (had previously lost mine and couldn’t bother much about it).

The other day, WL shared with me: there are 5 love tanks, namely (in no particular order): moral support, respect, physical touching, romance, materialistic. I labelled myself in descending order of priority, as: moral support > respect > physical touching = romance = materialistic. WL said I only had 2 love tanks. But then after I discussed with MY, I think for now, mine will be: moral support > respect > physical touching > romance = materialistic. Let me explain:

• Moral support > I need to share my ups and downs with others. Last time I used to bottle everything within myself and it doesn’t feel good at all. I need some reassurance from others, be it positive or negative.
• Respect > It’s definitely an important aspect in my life. Don’t do to others what u don’t want others do to u. Hence, if u want others to respect u, u should respect others too. And remember, respect should be earned, and not demanded.
• Physical touching > Don’t get me wrong. I am very sensitive towards touching, i.e. I couldn’t even bear cats brushing its tail against my leg. But I do feel that physical touching actually gives a sense of security and sincerity to others. Simple physical touching such as handshake or a pat on the shoulder seems like a very simple gesture but it can mean a lot to others, esp. those who lack confidence.
• Romance and materialistic…. > I don’t know, I am not a romantic type of person. All this while, I always tell others that I am slightly tomboyish though right now I appear more womanly than manly. Though KK will always say I am still a typical lady.

And come on, who is not materialistic right? Just be honest la. The other day, I had a discussion with JS. He said most ladies nowadays are materialistic and diamonds are women’s best friend. I begged to differ. I told him that ladies nowadays are realistic, not materialistic, which rings true right? Who would want to spend time with someone who is not even bothered about the future? We still need to take care of our own, especially so when women seem to lose their market value once married while men seem to have higher market value after married. It’s just weird and not fair huh? And I don’t like diamond pun. I like… sports! I am sure some would have fainted with my response…