24.04.2011
It was already 1am and I am here writing this. That explains how my eye bags are getting bigger and deeper. I had double eye bags a long time ago but perhaps they were hidden under my specs last time. Today during Domo’s b’day celebration, I wore contact lense after about 2 weeks without contact lense. They jz realized I had double eye bags. But I do admit I can’t sleep well for the past few days. Either sleeping late at night or can’t sleep. Can’t help it. Damn tiring! CPS, YSK and KYL asked if I am very stressed at work. I didn’t know how to answer that. Am I stressed? I feel like it but then I didn’t know for sure.
Time flies super fast this week. Blink an eye and it’s already Sat. I didn’t even realize it was Friday 2 days ago. Busy with baking lab and training new guy. I had my EQ tested training him. Perhaps I let him loose for too long. Without proper guidance he might not know what is really expected out of him. Nevertheless, it doesn’t help when u jz teach him and he seemed to be at loss when u queried him about the same thing again.
The first time I realized that, I thought “It’s OK, still new, perhaps don’t know what is expected of him, give him chance la.” But when subsequently also like that, I couldn’t refrain myself from “shooting” him a bit. Gave him a tinker on his current situation.
I admit that he will feel pressured but hey, work is about pressure as well. He is lucky that I am willing to exert some pressure on him. When I was training last time, mine was worse but I carried myself well that time. If I can, why can’t he? Yes, every human has different learning capability, but what stops u from being good? U have all the advises given and u are being spoon-fed, what else would u ask for?
If I didn’t exert any pressure on u, that will indicate that u are hopeless and I couldn’t bother more. Now that u are being hinted, do take action please. I don’t believe u have no question at all. Please ask and please…before u ask, process the question in ur head first, then find ur own answer, if really can’t find, then only come to me. Everyone should learn to think more.
Perhaps I am not a good teacher but at least u must prove ur worth to be taught so that the teacher will teach u full-heartedly. I always told him he is quite lucky, being exposed to so many trainings and given the privilege to travel on flights when some of us used to take bus back then. Boss wanted to let him take bus but I managed to persuade boss to let him take flight. I don’t know whether I am risking my reputation by doing so.
If he is SPM level, I wouldn’t bother much about his performance but he is a university graduate. Even though he is not from local uni I never expect him to perform this badly. He surely didn’t score well with me. I am worried as to how am I supposed to appraise him. Confirm him also die, don’t confirm him also die.
I mean we had already trained him and sent him for some costly trainings, I am just afraid that boss will ‘kira’ with me later on. Nevertheless, I still believe that I should give him another chance. After all, his probation period is 6 months. Perhaps he will be able to take good grasp of his job nature when he started his field work.
But with his current performance, I am quite apprehensive to send him out for the field work. Anyhow, he will be sent to JB for training soon, and part of the training involves field work. Pray hard he can improve from there on. Also hoping to get some feedback from JB counterparts on what they think about him. Then I can verify my own opinion against theirs. Then I wouldn’t doubt my own judgment.
It’s not easy to head a department. It’s a heavy responsibility and because of that I tend to drown myself with responsibility. But most of all, the biggest challenge for me is man power and handling them. I need to improve my EQ but sometimes u can’t help it when ur patience and goodwill is always being put to test.
When I related it to WY the other day, I was pretty emotional and full with expressions as I didn’t had anyone to vent this out to. I may seemed quiet at times but I always feel better when I can vent it out somewhere. And now I am doing it here. I should give chance to others, but that will depend on whether he or she appreciates it onot. If he didn’t take good opportunity out of it, then sorry lah! Take care of urself.
And I always believe in “Don’t always ask what u can do for ur company, instead ask what u can do for the company first.” U may beg to differ but I do believe that one must have a value before being able to demand something from the company. I am learning to gain my value and of course I am lucky to get guidance from my dear seniors. I dono how well or how bad I fare.
That is why I am jealous with my subordinates, they have someone to tell them off when they have done wrong. Someone to point out their weakness. As for me, my senior will inform me some of the mistakes I made but I always had to guess on my own the extent of my mistake, find my own weakness, then try to minimize it or try to improve on it.
People say “great name comes with great responsibility”. I am having ‘great name’ but now I am not sure whether I am worthy enough to get a great name and live to it onot. I must have faith in myself. My target to be Asst. Manager or Manager before 35 years old might not seem too ambitious but at least I think that’s the goal I am able to reach. I have high expectation of myself and will always exert pressure on myself.
Hence, I wouldn’t want to kill myself by setting too high a standard, which will introduce unnecessary pressure to me later on. If I can do it, u can do it too… Will go Bangkok for 3 weeks training in July, equipped with more knowledge to be shared with subordinates and at the time to test my ability to cope up as well. Can’t wait for the days to come!
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