I am at loss currently. Don’t know how to navigate myself. Am I steering myself towards the path that I should take? Just last few weeks I seemed to be full of energy and spirit to tackle whatever that may come my way. Time flies.
Within the blink of an eye, it is already the end of Oct’10. Yet, I didn’t feel much progress in me. Don’t mention about playing part, I am already very adept in it. But I still have very long way to go when it comes to work and personal development. Discipline, determination and willpower, haiz…always an issue for me.
Am I doubting myself now? Do I have the right to doubt myself when others put their faith in me? I don’t even understand what do they see in me. Where have I lost my lustre to? I seriously gotta review myself. I can’t stand it when I can’t accomplish a feat I had given myself as it only proves that my willpower is weak and it doesn’t help when I felt like a failure.
Of course, it was not that bad but that’s what it makes me feel. Having achieved smooth-sailing journey in work, I might have been too ‘easy’ and now that I need to start my propeller to go full speed, I am slightly confused, I don’t even know what I am writing about anymore!
I want to improve my EQ and the way I communicate to my subordinates. Being used to being a ‘dai ka jie’ at home and at work, I can’t help giving firm instructions and being ‘cool’ at work. Sometimes that’s the bad side about heading a department. You might say, ‘Why need to draw a barrier? Just be your usual self!”.
This is my usual self. I have double personality. I remember what OKN wrote in my book: “Nice to meet you. You are special in your way as you have both characters: serious and funny at the same time. You can be very serious and very funny when the time comes.” True enough! And no matter how lively you are, I do think that as a head, you need to draw a barrier, just not too thick a barrier, that’s all.
As for my personal life, some ppl are definitely driving me crazy with the way they are. They might not realise it. Perhaps I think too much. Though I am an insensitive person, I do hope my intuition is right. I had to avoid some phone calls, appear offline etc. but at the same time felt bad about doing it. Perhaps the best way is if I don’t online at all.
But hard loh! I hate myself for being indecisive. Some offered good advice. Some say just wait and see. Haiz… should I? I know most ppl think of me as being independent and tough blah blah blah, perhaps that’s why I am feeling this way.
It had been awhile I hadn’t pressure myself this way. I don’t even know how to channel it positively. I need to exert more pressure on myself in order to push myself forward once more. Why try so hard? Why can’t I be like this? Why can’t I be like that? I better do full review of myself before it’s too late.
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