31.10.2008
Say anything u want..Down?Sad?Disappointed?Sombre?What other words can u find….that’s what i am feeling rite now.
Why?Got scolded in the lab a few times in one day.At least 3 times.Early morning in the car, for asking redundant n stupid questions……Morning, for not reacting fast enough….Evening, for not being initiative enough..
Chee Yee jz sms me to ask how am I as I confided in her tru sms earlier.Jz told her that the worst thing is that I cant even cry.Jz finished replying her msg n now here I am, tears streaming down the cheek.I don’ t know.I think I am too engrossed in the comfortable zone…being complacent for quite some time.Self-esteem and self-morale and self-motivation is very low now, nearly depleted (not that I had much of them anyway)..My gosh,,,,,,,,,,jz faced a simple problem, and I had already become this,What will happen when I am really alone in Prai later?
I can explain..I can defend myself..I can find the reasonable and suitable excuse..But I jz kept quiet during the whole reprimand session.Why?Cos i know I am wrong…But what’s worse is that I am nv gud in expressing myself.That’s why when I quarrelled with my fren, I would resort to writing to them to apologize or to clear things up.Or else..I jz let it be…let minor misunderstanding be major ones…I can nv bring myself to express myself.When I am in a big group, I tend to shrink unless if I am very familiar with the group.So I jz let her misunderstood me without explaining anything when being scolded, cos I know that I am already on the verge of tears…if I said anything else, I wil definitely burst into tears..Nv want that to happen, for sure.
What’s the matter?Instead of being impressed by others, better reflect on myself to see what’s the problem with me, then address it.Hah…easier to be said than to be done.Esp when it comes to me, it’s like climbing Mount Everest for non-athletic folks..Super-difficult task.
Getting negative now.Must replenish the positive energy soon.Being negative for too long can nv b gud to u..In the meantime, I wanna b in a negative mood for a while.
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