Wow,
Had been demotivated last few weeks. And those were the times when the word ‘resign’ appears a few times. Gosh, that was absolutely scary. I had only worked for a year and yet the boredom and demotivation starts to set in. Not a good indication. But hey, I will be stupid if I let go of this job without experiencing the potential knowledge and wisdom that I can gain. I won’t say that I will stay forever in this company (as no one knows what will happen next) but I can see myself staying here for another year.
Why I say so? First, the demotivation and the word ‘resign’ had nth to do with my job. I had gone through that phase quite some time ago (so it’s no longer an issue for me now). The pblem lies in me. Perhaps I am the hangat hangat tahi ayam type and gets bored fast. So the prospect of being in the office all the time with so many documents does sound a bit ….. ‘uneasy’ for me. So I have decided that in order for me to restore my passion in job (Passion is the key factor to propel u to go further), I mz find whatever it is that can interest me to make me feel excited and intrigued at work.Well..I haven’t truly found it yet, but I am on the way for that.
This is the golden opportunity for me to learn about QA system esp since my office had been buzzing around with the certification activities. Plenty of coordination work to be done, and I swear to myself that no matter how demotivated I will be, I will remind myself to restore the passion, no matter what. I will jz find my way to bulldoze through it.And lucky I regained it.If not, perhaps the workload will kill my personal traits as well.
And yes, recently I realised that I think of home more frequently as the other day I realised that mom had toiled hard all her life to make sure that her kids can live comfortably. And yet, me as the eldest kid, can’t seem to help much. Mom’s wrinkles are reflecting her life. I think she worries too much, esp about our finance but she nv told me. Well, she used to tell me but as I always ‘tegur’ her or sometimes got irritated with it, she stopped. I only realised it when my younger sister informed me. So shameful of me.
I guessed that I took my mom for granted, as she always tolerates me. My dad too.I think they have high hopes in me but in the end, I think I hurt them the most, because I always think that others are more superior than us, so I tend to brush off whatever they told me. But when others told me the same thing that my parents told me, I trusted the others. In short, I am a rude child.
I know that my dad was disappointed in me as he was the one who was very proud of me when I passed my exams with flying colors. He even bought several newspapers and cut out the articles with my picture in it. He was the one who boasted among his friends of my achievements. He was the one who always tries to fulfil my request, to his best. And yet, when his leg was amputated and he had to walk with a tongkat, I was the one who treated him coldly. I was too naive and thought that though Dad was left with only one leg and his movement was restricted, I shouldn’t pamper him too much. Instead I should force him to restrict his diet and force him to walk using his prosthesis.
But I am so insensitive. I should hv known that Dad likes to do things on his own accord. The more u force him, the more he will likely to stay put and retaliate and the colder and more impertinent I am towards him, up to a point where I can feel that he no longer puts his hope in me. He wants nasi kandar, I won’t buy for him. I worry for his health as he is getting fatter and fatter. That’s why it’s very painful for him to use the prosthesis.The moment I saw him gobbling up the nasi kandar (which he had to request other ppl to buy for him and also an indication of how deep was his craving for nasi kandar. I rmber Dad always bought nasi kandar for us during wk ends, even when his pocket was nearly empty. He would buy nasi kandar for us and ended up eating some cheap food for himself), I was sad as I had nv considered his feelings before.
He was an outgoing person and likes to meet ppl and eat good food but all that was lost together with his amputated leg. Since we are a bit conservative when it comes to being expressive, we nv talked about his feeling. The moment we heard the news from doctor that his leg had to be amputated, my mom and I cried sadly. But it nv occured to me to console my Dad, the man who will be affected the most. He nv showed his despair in front of us. I wonder how did he contain his dismay.
Did he cry at night, when we are not there? Perhaps I will feel better if he did so. He didn’t know how to express his feelings and always delivered it the harsh way, and being the young, hasty teenager, it didn’t make things better as I will always retaliate back. So there goes the daughter of whom he was so proud of. Belajar tinggi tinggi tapi takde adab. No point regretting.. he was no longer here. Hope he rests in peace and found many new friends and reincarnated into a better family with a better daughter, if he is meant to hv one.
Back to my mom..Mom always wakes up very early in the morning as she claimed that she can’t sleep. Used to waking up early in order to feed my niece and to do the household chores before she had to take care of her shop. Since I rode motorbike to work and my brother uses our only car to work, my mom was left with no choice but to do things much earlier and be at shop by 8am as my bro works at 8.30am. And I always scolded mom for planting so many plants at home, taking up most of her time to do the gardening, leaving her very little time to rest. But hey, I forgot one thing, that, it’s her passion, her interest…
She used to purposely cook on Monday morning so that me n my brother can bring it to work for lunch. She will sweat and rush here and there to balance the time to cook, do other household chores and taking care of my niece. I tell u, it’s not an easy feat. That niece of mine, is a total devil. But ever since we sometimes nv even bother about the food (esp when I am running late) she finally decided against it. I guess we mz hv hurt my mom so much. We as a kid always hurt our parents all the time and yet they hv such a giant heart to forgive us. So there goes…we are too pampered in the sense that we seldom help mom out with household chores. Of course I got do la, but not as hardworking as before. Always telling myself that come this wk end, I mz help mom with household chores, but end up when the time comes, I sometimes spend more time watching the TV than helping her out.
And she nv complains, I guess she knew that it’ll fall to deaf ears..Given up the hope, I supposed. Since I found some of my passion back, I am gonna walk the talk. I wanna make sure I helped my mom with at least 2 chores during wk end. The major chore shall be to take care of my niece. That will be a super big help she will appreciate as the little devil basically cries when she sees no one is around her. So basically it’s hard to leave her alone jz like that. U need to be around her vicinity in order to live peacefully. She can cry continuously for 30 min, I tell u. Horrible…
That’s why I am in a dilemma as to whether should I move back home or I jz stay put where I am? That’s for me to ponder. Since I had lost my Dad without him being proud of me, I vowed not to repeat the same mistake with my Mom. I am still rude and inconsiderate at times, but I will change. If I can go out with friends and go hiking during wk ends, why can’t my Mom spend more time with her garden? So I am gonna stay home for these few wk ends for my Mom to enjoy her passion as well. It’s amazing how she can cope with all those household chores and responsibilities slung heavily on her shoulder.Since I can’t help her much on financial basis yet, the most I can do now is to let her hv some quality time…
Mom, u r always in my heart everyday. Everytime I am at work, I will think of how hard and alone Mom is at her shop, stuck with the cute little devil (I adores her too, though I called her little devil)…Life is nv short nor long. I nv know how much more quality time I can hv with my Mom. Better start now..better late than never, in this sense..
Comment:
> 18.06.2009 (ytyeoh)
hey friend.. hmm… 4.48am.. u din sleep?? or your clock is not accurate? well nvm.. just came across your blog.. and.. dun think too much lo.. and appreciate wat you have now.. forget about the past and look ahead.. you will feel better.. take care k? and dun forget you always have friends around when u need them..
> 18.06.2009 (turtlerocks)
yaya, the clock went haywire.yaya, appreciate…..u too ya.tell me if u decide to work in prai 
> 19.06.2009 (jyyyin)
its ok de la…..if u can ma try move back home lo….but there is prob with transportation…………..dun so upset abt ur dad la….he will always be proud of u whenever u are…okie?
>14.06.2011 (ecodiaxia)
You certainly have some agreeable opinions and views. Your blog provides a fresh look at the subject.
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