#78 - Troubled Mind

10.01.2011

I am not in the right state of mind currently. And this has nothing to do with Monday blue.

Uttered something which I shouldn’t to mom yesterday. I knew I hurt her badly with my selfishness and I can sense a cold war waging and looming ahead. Sigh! This is not how I want to treat this very special lady in my life. Being a liberal mom, she always lets us do what we think we should, offering her own piece of advice at the same time. And she lets us learn from our mistake on our own. She wouldn’t say “I told you so.” Of course my mom is not entirely perfect, but who does?

This CNY will be entirely different without mom. Don’t get me wrong, nothing is wrong with her. She is going to S’pore for a vacation with my aunt and cousin. I wanted to go but really can’t make it. Been very outgoing for the last few months. Not really helping mom with household chores as frequently as last time but mom never complain, not even one bit. We are being over-pampered. Working 24/7 around the clock (shop keeping plus babysitting the little devil) plus the household chores had really taken some toll on her, adding few more wrinkles on her face. 

I always belittle and brush aside what she said. When she is eager to talk about something to me, I will pour cold water onto it. Splash! I seldom consult my personal matters with her, not because I don’t want to but it’s just my nature. In fact, I blog as I felt better expressing it here rather than verbally. I think my younger sister did better than me in this case. She has a warmer character and is always thinking of mom.

One of the reasons why I shifted back home rather than staying in Prai was because I missed the warmth of home. Just the thought of mom and the little devil being at home is sufficient to make me feel blessed. 

My brother and I are always busy minding our own business, what’s more with my brother seemed to have found his true love. But we never seemed to remember to check with mom on how is she doing. Our lives actually revolve around her, without her, I don’t think we will be used to it. It is true when people say that a mom is a like a candle, always burning herself to bring light to others.

To a mom, her family is everything to her. Seeing them happy is above all in her life. A big and sincere salute to all dedicated moms out there, esp working moms who have to juggle her life at home and at work. Waking up the earliest, do some household chores, go to work, coming back home, do some cooking, cleaning again and being the latest to sleep…. Fuh, not an easy feat at all.

Sounds like being a 24 hours slave to the family, not that they will complain at all, that is I told myself, if I ever get married, there won’t be a hurry to have a kid. At least enjoy a life without kid for two years first before starting an actual family. That’s only my intention. Priority might change though. No one can tell the future for sure. Suddenly I missed my dad so much. Sigh! 

Some said I am tough and independent but some also said I am quite a homely person. I admit I tend to miss home at times. U know the feeling when sometimes u felt very troubled deep inside but everything dissolved once u saw the silhouette of ur mom and niece eagerly greeting u when u reach home? Wow, it’s totally a different scenario altogether then. U feel like leaving behind all the burdens before the door and just enjoy the luxury of being at home.

I should be doing my work at this time. Instead I am drafting this post, just to get this ‘unrest’ out of my mind. That’s the purpose I blog, not to update anyone but as a door to vent out my uneasiness. Usually I just type impromptu. I never draft a post but I guess there is always a first time to everything. Will post this when I got home.

It is already 2011. Had been working for 2.5 years. When I reflect back on how I passed my 2010, there were some changes in me. There were some physical differences (I did rebonding) and I was more willing to spend time rummaging through my closet. I bought a car with my own hard-earned money, being closer to CWY, befriending more friends and had more outings. Other than that, nothing to be proud of.

CPS and KYL had booked me for a Taiwan trip in 2012. I think it’s time that I play less, and work more. Should I FFK them? But I always hold dear to my promise, unless really unavoidable lah. Since I had promised them I better don’t break it. Just need to remind myself to work harder bah. Always remind myself with this phrase...

"The best preparation for the future is to do the best in the present"

I always say “Life is Short”. That’s why I max out my activities and do whatever I think of doing, as I wouldn’t want to regret not having done it before. But, am I doing the correct thing? Perhaps I should change my motto for the time being? Yes, life is short but have I gotten my priorities right in the first place?

Enough with playing. Should be back to more serious mode. Too much of playing already. Didn’t really spend much time with mom anymore. Haven’t been to Sunday day market with her for a very long time. It used to be our weekly routine.

Ya, I will need to keep on reminding myself that though

Life is Short

The Best Preparation For The Future Is To Do The Best In The Present

So, lesser play this year and more hard work (had to minus out the Mount Kinabalu and Bangkok trip though cause I had already promised myself these trips)!

Comment:
> 16.01.2011 (leeping)
when u did rebonding haha

> 18.01.2011 (turtlerocks)

early jan :)